Unexpected Post

This is an unexpected post, to say the least. Last week I had promised a post on finding joy in mothering during those trying times, and I will follow through. But today, there is a pressing situation happening in my life I must write about. It is currently Saturday, March 5, but this will be published on Tuesday, March 8.

A few days ago, I had my regular one year exam with my gynecologist. Normally I'm not too concerned over these appointments. I've always been the kind to take charge of my health. I like to know what's happening with my body, and why. I like to get professional evaluations. I like the peace of mind. I need it.

 I had actually seen this same doctor over 2 months ago for pain I was having in my chest. At the time, based on my exam and the type of symptoms I was having she credited the pain to a muscular issue. I had been scared to death I had breast cancer. She tried to reassure me that was not her concern, but I still felt uneasy.

 For the last 2-3 months I have been dealing with this same pain, and trying to reassure myself it was a chest muscle issue from hauling two heavy babies around so often. Yet it has been a constant battle of worry, fear, and anxiety at the thought of having cancer. As the pain has persisted, fear has driven it's ugly claws deeper and deeper into my mind. Which brings me to my appointment this past week.

I shared with my doctor nothing has changed, she did another exam, and everything checked out normal again. Only this time she said the word that shot anxiety into the depths of my soul. Mammogram. All I could think was, "I knew it. Cancer." Even though she kindly told me, "I don't want you losing sleep over this, I just want to be thorough." I felt nothing but fear. Panic. Utter hopelessness. I've even had mammograms in the past, and they've been fine, so the actual test doesn't bother me. It's the potential of what they could find.

 I went to set up an appointment at the front desk, and was able to get one for later that same morning. I was relieved! I would be able to get it over with, and enjoy my weekend. I wouldn't have to deal with the frightening unknowns, but could face it head on, right away. Unfortunately when I got in the car, the scheduling woman called and told me my appointment had already been taken by someone else. I wanted to scream at her, "NOOOOO!" The next available appointment wasn't for 6 more days.

I spent the thirty minute drive home close to tears, imaging the worst, and really upset. I cried with Chuck, he went to work, and then I started to fight. Fight in prayer for the sake of my mind and soul. I began to put into practice all I’ve been learning over the last month and a half of Bible study. Thank God for Priscilla Shirer and her book, “The Armor of God”. Per her instruction throughout studying the book of Ephesians (and many other books of the Bible!), I’ve constructed several cards she calls, “My Prayer Strategy” cards. I have my prayer strategy cards on hand constantly. Cards that are covered in Scripture, written by my own hand, speaking words of Truth I use to fight the enemy’s schemes. And fight hard.

So I began to fight in prayer for peace, trust, and rest in the Spirit. This is part of what I’ve been fighting with, “2 Thessalonians 3:16 ‘May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace ALWAYS in every way. The Lord be with all of you.’ Jesus, you are the Lord of peace. You have equipped me with weapons to fight for peace. ‘The weapons of my warfare are powerful through you God for the demolition of strongholds.’ 2 Corinthians 10:4-5. May I shout, ‘My God reigns!’ Isaiah 52:7 until you actually do reign in my mind and heart and circumstances. Anytime I feel worry or anxiety or fear creeping into my heart that is my cue to turn my attention to you God!”

In her book, Priscilla used Philippians 4:6-7, Colossians 3:15, and Isaiah 26:3-4 to help me further construct my prayer strategy. On the back of my card, this is what I have written, and how I now pray, “Pray. Trust Jesus. Be grateful. Watch Jesus’ peace swell in my experience. (Trust and express gratitude = experience peace of God that surpasses all understanding.)”

So, I prayed and asked God to allow my mammogram to be completely normal. Then I felt an idea begin to swell in my spirit that God was allowing me to have this test done so I could finally have peace of mind after several months of worrying over this thing. In response to this, I began THANKING God He was giving me this gift. I thanked Him for many other things, and the list of all that I have to be grateful for in this situation began to pour out of my mouth.

I’m on Day 3 now, and I can actually say confidently the Spirit’s peace has been residing in my mind and heart and soul. I have great hope that on Tuesday I will find out good results, and I’m already thankful for what He’s been showing me during this potentially agonizing time.

The shoes of peace are real, everybody. I recommend getting yourself a pair.

***

As mentioned above, I wrote the first part of this post on Saturday. Last night things got much harder for me as I began anticipating the mammogram this morning. After 6 long days of waiting, I just wanted to get it over with. They really shouldn’t do that to women.

This morning I walked audaciously into that women’s center and told my good, good God, “Even if I have cancer, I know you will use it for my good. For your good.”

After an hour and a half and two different types of imaging, I waited shaking on my chair in one of the side rooms. The woman looked at me, shared the results, and I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed. The results were normal, and they want to see me when I’m 40. Thank you Jesus!

What a journey this has been for the past few months. I praise Jesus for his sweet grace to allow me to have the imaging done so I can finally enjoy the precious gift of peace of mind.

Jesus is real, everybody. I recommend loving Him with everything you have.