Pregnancy.
The word is packed with punch. It carries a load, just like it’s own definition. For some the word signifies something quite unplanned. Uncalculated. For others, it brings the deepest form of indescribable joy. Something long-awaited. Something intangible, yet more real than anything has ever been. Yet still others ache at hearing the word, as it has only ever been used to describe another woman other than herself.
On Friday I had a gut-wrenching conversation with a woman who described having a glorious encounter with her husband, then found herself a few weeks later peeing on that infamous stick in the bathroom. When she saw the word Pregnant, time stood still. Emotions poured over her like a train barreling down the tracks. Elation! Joy! Fear! Worry! Doubt! Stress! Awe! Wonder! Terror! Questions! There was life nestled tiny in her womb, created by the Creator Himself.
As this woman continued to share, things came crashing to a halt almost before they began. The blood-spotting began, first lightly, then more heavy as the days went by. Her voice trembled and tears made their way down her beautiful face. The little life inside her went straight to the arms of Jesus. We cried over the comfort that brought.
Miscarriage. Another word packed with punch. This word carries grief, sadness, brokenness, and sorrow. It’s a word no one wants spoken of them. Miscarrying is an unseen loneliness rot with darkness. Even the physical pain serves as a reminder of all that is being lost.
From my own experience, there are a few tidbits of wisdom I’ve caught along the way that may just help you if you learn of a loved one going through a miscarriage. I say these things out of love for women undergoing this tragedy, not out of bitterness. The beauty of treacherous experiences is that what we learn we can use to help others on a similar journey. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, so chances are you are probably rubbing shoulders with someone who has or is going through one.
These are some things NOT to tell a woman who has had or is going through a miscarriage:
“At least you can get pregnant! Some women can’t even conceive!” “Your baby was probably severely deformed, so it’s better off this way!” “This is God’s way of protecting your child from something worse in life.” “God needed another angel.” “My sister (cousin, friend, sister-in-law, etc.) had 2 miscarriages!” “At least this happened now, and not at full-term.” “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” (No one will spontaneously contact you to share something they need. See below for what the right thing to say is.) “God has a plan!” (This is one of the dumbest things to tell anybody during a difficult time. No one wants to hear this.)
These are some things you can DO to encourage a woman who has had or is going through a miscarriage:
*Bring her a meal, and this must include dessert! Organize several girlfriends to bring her meals (and dessert!). *Send or drop off a package with things she can pamper herself with: Bath and Body products, candles, Essential Oils, a CD with comforting worship songs, nail polish, heavy-period pads, Scriptures written out on cards, and home-baked goodies. *Tell her how sorry and sad you are with her, and that you don’t even have the words to say. *Write her a note and send it in the mail, include lots of Scriptures. *Pray for her often, and remind her via text or phone call you are praying for her. *Give her space from attending small group or church for awhile. Seeing other women can be very painful, especially if there is a pregnant woman around. *Sit with her when she finally shows back up to small group or church. BE with her. *Ask her what she needs, and give her options: “Can I bring a meal tomorrow?”, “Can I babysit your other kids on Tuesday?”, “Can I pick up some groceries you need tonight?” *Offer to bring some wine, hot chocolate, or hot tea over and watch a funny movie or show together.
There’s nothing easy about miscarrying. There are no perfect words. No perfect actions. No perfect way of ministering. But I hope if you’re out there suffering today you know there is a God who SEES YOU. A God who will heal you. A God of hope.
I’m here, too.
And Friend, I am sorry and sad with you.
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