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Lavender Grief

Iced Lavender Cream Soy Matcha is back at Starbucks! To receive this email in my inbox was an unexpected burst of happy in my day. I had forgotten about this treasure of a drink from last spring, and wasn’t even anticipating its arrival. I have been a fan of the “Iced Green Tea Latte” for yeaaaaaars. It was first introduced at Starbucks in 2006, and yes- I was working there at the time. Upon doing a little digging, I learned that was the first time matcha became popular in North America.

Knowing I had $6 in my wallet to burn, I zipped over to Starbucks the first chance I got yesterday. The sun was shining, the air was warm, my mood was light. Taking that first sip of the lavender cold foam was such a joy. Not only do I savor the taste, but the purple color is so pretty. A delight for all the senses.

The first time I tried the drink last spring was with a gift card from my dear friend, Kate. I text her to spread the good news of its arrival. Then it hit me. Kate had given me a Starbucks gift card inside a basket of gifts last year because our 7th baby didn’t have a heartbeat inside my womb.

One year ago I was pregnant. Full of hope. Full of joy. Full of anticipation. Full of wonder over the LIFE I carried inside me.

One year ago I went in for a second ultrasound to see our baby’s heartbeat. Lying on that table with the paper pillow behind my head, scared out of my mind to hear bad news. Hands shaking. My 3 year old daughter standing beside me, holding my hand, rubbing my arm. Me smiling bravely at her. Trying to assure her with my face Mama was alright! I wasn’t.

The tech put the gel on my belly. She swirled the probe around and around. And around. Pause. “Have you ever had a vaginal ultrasound?”  she asked. My heart dropped into my stomach. “Yes, ma’am.” SO. Many. Times. I have lost count. “How about you step into the bathroom, cover up with a sheet and we’ll take a closer look.” After 15 years of experience, I know what this means. She can’t find a heartbeat.

My already trembling body hops off the table, heads to the bathroom, and my daughter skips along beside me. She chitchats and smiles and holds her BunBun. I put the sheet around myself, head back into the exam room, back onto the table…and wait.

More swirling around with the ultrasound probe. Around and around and around. The tech announces what I already know, “I’m so sorry. The baby has no heartbeat.” No heartbeat. Our Lila Zoe is with Jesus. She’s no longer in me.

I wipe off the gel. I get dressed. I smile at my daughter. I go through the motions. “We’re almost done here, Honey. Then we’ll get some lunch, OK?” We move into another exam room. Pregnant women everywhere. Babies in carriers sitting all around the office.

I wait. And wait. My daughter spins around with the curtain in the corner. Not a care in the world. She imagines she’s in a world far away. I’m in another world, too. Far, far away.

A male doctor walks in. I’ve never met him. I’ve never seen him. I don’t know him at all. He doesn’t know me. None of the midwives I have known for years are available to see me. We schedule a surgery date and time for 6 days later. SIX DAYS.  Another season of grief begins.

Yesterday I sent a picture of my lavender cold foam matcha to Kate. “It’s been a year” I said. Her heart aches with me, she replies. “How is the grief hitting you today?” Her question opens the door that has been squeezed shut tight.

The taste of lavender brought joy, and it also brought sorrow. Grief sits so close to the edge- one taste of something from a season of pain pushes all those feelings over that cliff. One question from a dear friend who KNOWS is all it takes for the floodgates to open.

I have learned to embrace the grief when it wants to surface. To remember our 7 babies in heaven with sorrow. To cry over years and years of loss. To sit with my empty womb, and honor my body for what it has endured.

Last night, I rode in the car with Chuck and the kids. Noise. Chaos. Everyone talking. My spirit was worshipping with The Spirit. “No longer I who live, but Christ in me. I have been born again. My heart set free. The Hope of Heaven before me, the grave behind. Hallelujah. He brought me back to Life.” (“Back to Life”, Bethel Music. Zahriya Zachary)

Jesus is with me.

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