i will be flying home in about a week and a half. i leave here on friday, april 21. most of my time "home" will be spent in philly at the hospital. i actually get to be back for 18 days which is a huge blessing!! my dad's surgery is now scheduled for monday, april 24. i say this all the time to myself, and maybe even people, i don't know...but i just can't believe it. i just can't. my dad's desire is that God uses this to reach the doctors, nurses, and "indian chiefs" for HIM. i think that is becoming the desire of my heart as well. mom and i (and possibly the boys) will be spending lots of hours in the hospital, possibly around the same people for many days in a row. God can work! i am confident of that, and even more, i know He will. i don't doubt it.
well, a bit of relief came today when dad called me on my lunch break. he does not have an infection in his blood. (thank you Lord!) but, he does have an infection in his valves. the surgery will now be either the 17th or 18th of april. i will most likely fly in on Easter Sunday (16th) and stay until may 1. i found out today that if i miss 2 weeks of work, i should still be able to keep my benefits, or i can take a family medical leave for up to 4 months. that is a huge relief and i am so thankful God is providing for me in these ways. i absolutely knew he would take care of me, but it's so comforting to see it happen already. still not sure what will happen with my original plane ticket, but have no doubt God has it under control. it brings such warmth to my heart to know i will be in the presence of my parents in two weeks. knowing that my dad will be undergoing severe open heart surgery is not so pleasant, but at least we'll be journeying together, instead of me just floppin' around MN alone without them. The Lord is my shepherd.
my dad has to have open heart surgery. again. he was born with defective heart valves, and so about 7 years ago had one replaced with a pig valve. since then, it's been sort of a joke that dad has a pig part in him, but our recent news has taken on a whole new dimension of the pig valve. that pig apparently had a defective valve also. or, it has beome defective since it's been inplanted. either way, dad is having another surgery to fix two leaking valves. at first, we were informed that the surgery would take place some time near the end of may. through a lengthy chain of events, it now looks like the surgery could be this week, or possibly the 17th of april. tomorrow we get test results back where we will find out whether or not dad has an infection in his blood. for some reason, there is suspicion to believe there could be. this further compicates things. if he does have an infection, then he will have to go immediately back down to philly to have an iv of anti-biotics pumped through him. (we don't know how long that takes...hours? days?) after that, he might have surgery right away. or, he may have to wait a week. if he does not have the infection, then he will most likely have surgery the 17th. it's all up in the air right now. so, we wait. and wait. and wait. an hour feels like a lifetime. what's going to happen? what's going on in my dad's body? will he be ok? the burden of the surgery and unknowns are weighing on my dad....i can't imagine having to face what he's facing right now. it's tough on all of us, really.
as for me...i hate being away from him and my mom and my family. it's torture going through my day alone without them, not knowing what the next step will be. i have determined in my heart that i WILL be there for the surgery. i do not care what it takes. i will pay off a plane ticket for the rest of my life if i have to! i will quit my job, or lose my insurance if that's what it takes. (i have to keep up 20 hours per week to keep my benefits) it's not even a question if i am going home or not. i am. i just don't know when (YET) or how (YET). God will get me there. i know that with no doubt. i just hate waiting, not knowing, and all the lingering questions. i already have tickets booked for the end of april and would be flying back to MN on may 1. so, i might just go and stay until may 1 when i was already scheduled to fly back. (hence the reason i could lose my benefits if i am gone for that many weeks) so, what's a girl to do? without a doubt, she will be there for her dad. she will be there for her mom. all the other stuff, well, i just don't know.
what i do know is that the Lord is my shepherd. The Lord leads me beside quiet waters. The Lord restores my soul. My Father is guiding me in paths of righteosness for his name's sake. Even though my family is walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil. My Father is with me. His rod and staff comfort me...which means he is guiding and protecting me. Goodness will come, and i know that i will live with him for all eternity. and for that, dear God, i thank you.
as for me...i hate being away from him and my mom and my family. it's torture going through my day alone without them, not knowing what the next step will be. i have determined in my heart that i WILL be there for the surgery. i do not care what it takes. i will pay off a plane ticket for the rest of my life if i have to! i will quit my job, or lose my insurance if that's what it takes. (i have to keep up 20 hours per week to keep my benefits) it's not even a question if i am going home or not. i am. i just don't know when (YET) or how (YET). God will get me there. i know that with no doubt. i just hate waiting, not knowing, and all the lingering questions. i already have tickets booked for the end of april and would be flying back to MN on may 1. so, i might just go and stay until may 1 when i was already scheduled to fly back. (hence the reason i could lose my benefits if i am gone for that many weeks) so, what's a girl to do? without a doubt, she will be there for her dad. she will be there for her mom. all the other stuff, well, i just don't know.
what i do know is that the Lord is my shepherd. The Lord leads me beside quiet waters. The Lord restores my soul. My Father is guiding me in paths of righteosness for his name's sake. Even though my family is walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil. My Father is with me. His rod and staff comfort me...which means he is guiding and protecting me. Goodness will come, and i know that i will live with him for all eternity. and for that, dear God, i thank you.
today is the saboth day. the day of rest. God knew what he was doing when he intended a day of rest for us. when he designed a day of rest for us. he didn't say, "go to a church building, sit in a pew, pretend you want to be there, try to stay awake during the sermon, greet one another after the service that you've sat in on for a thousand times before, go home, eat lunch, and there! you kept the saboth holy." ok, i know that sounded quite fecicious, but i am tired. the job i have allows me to sit down maybe forty minutes out of the whole day, maybe. it's an exhausting job at times. my legs ache, my back is in pain, i get headaches, my throat gets dry and scratchy, i deal with the stress of working in a high volume store. not to mention the emotional exhaustion. pretending to be friendly and chipper all day long, like starbucks is the best place in the world to be! some days it's fine, but by the end of the week, i am spent. tired. exhausted. and that's just from my "day job." we're not even talking life. that's just what wears me out in terms of what i do to earn a measely penny.
my heart is tired. my soul is weary. my mind is wrestless. i want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, WHY? my heart. oh my heart. i don't think it can take much more. not that i should complain, i know there is a lot of good in my life. a lot. and compared to other people's lives, i am seriously blessed. but, the things that are plauging my heart are death blows to me. is it even possible? is this reality? is this true? how can it be true? i don't want to believe it. i don't want to face it. i want to...i want to be with my dad. i want to be with my family. i want to be there. not here. no, there's nothing i can do for him, for them. i am useless. but at least i would be there. at least i wouldn't be here doing nothing. feeling helpless. feeling terrified without them. at least i would be able to laugh with them, talk with them, love them. this pain and so much more just engulfs me and i feel like the cloud of smog will never lift. too much pressure. too much respobsiblity. too many expectations. it's more then i can bare.
father, you can see that my hands are trembling. you can see that my legs are weak. you can see that my soul, it aches. but YOU will overcome. YOU make me strong in you. YOU make me wise in YOU. YOU WILL OVERCOME.
(some of this from charlie hall)
my heart is tired. my soul is weary. my mind is wrestless. i want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, WHY? my heart. oh my heart. i don't think it can take much more. not that i should complain, i know there is a lot of good in my life. a lot. and compared to other people's lives, i am seriously blessed. but, the things that are plauging my heart are death blows to me. is it even possible? is this reality? is this true? how can it be true? i don't want to believe it. i don't want to face it. i want to...i want to be with my dad. i want to be with my family. i want to be there. not here. no, there's nothing i can do for him, for them. i am useless. but at least i would be there. at least i wouldn't be here doing nothing. feeling helpless. feeling terrified without them. at least i would be able to laugh with them, talk with them, love them. this pain and so much more just engulfs me and i feel like the cloud of smog will never lift. too much pressure. too much respobsiblity. too many expectations. it's more then i can bare.
father, you can see that my hands are trembling. you can see that my legs are weak. you can see that my soul, it aches. but YOU will overcome. YOU make me strong in you. YOU make me wise in YOU. YOU WILL OVERCOME.
(some of this from charlie hall)
