too much

there is too much to say, and not enough words to say it with.

My Jesus

this year, i think more then any other year, i have profoundly learned more about Christmas then i ever have before. it's been a process of one thing after another this season- and i think it all started to come together last night (eve) and today (christmas day). there are many ideas/wonders/thoughts/ponderings making their entrance into my beliefs.

i woke up this morning so thankful for Jesus and His life on earth that i laid in bed, overcome with emotion over what He did for me. He came to this little world of mine to show me how to live. He did it, and that means i can, too. (thanks dan.) He loves me that much.

this all makes me really, really happy.

merry christmas to all. my love to you.

happy birthday, Jesus...

freedom to direction

a part of my heart is hurting tonight. it's strange, really. i had to say my final good-bye to my beloved, red, jeep liberty. anyone who knows me at all pretty much realizes the depth of my love for this vehicle. i don't think most people understand this. i loved my car. really loved. it meant so much to me for so many different reasons. liberty is freedom from control- and in a sense, when i bought my first SUV it indeed represented to me freedom from control. freedom from a lot of things. my dad and i went together and he walked with me through the process of buying a car. we bonded in such a special way during that time. i will never forget that as long as i live. just me, and dad. i ended up driving my liberty from pa to mn when i moved. my liberty has always been a piece of home for me. i waited over a year to get mn plates. my liberty was a connection to my family, to my home, to my heart. yet, i was freed from the control of so many things in my life those few years ago.

today i said good-bye to my jeep liberty, but i said hello to my new jeep compass. it's interesting because a compass is an instrument for determing direction. so much in my life is up-in-the-air at this point. a lot is yet to be determined. yet to be directed. and so i embrace the jeep compass, knowing that just as God used the liberty to free me from control, He will also use the compass to determine direction for me. and there is certainly a lot of direction to be had.

i drove away from the dealer tonight, at peace with the decision i made, at rest that it was the right buy for me. but, i feel as if i left a part of my heart in the parking lot. for as i turned to glance behind me, to get one last look at my little red liberty, i couldn't help but feel sadness. the tears poured freely as i drove away. a part of me feels so disloyal, but it had to be done. she was sick, and will be in a better place now. i said good-bye, and i can't look back.

so the compass begins. who knows where things will go? a new chapter of my life has begun and i am grateful, so grateful to a God who will continue to guide and direct me every step of the way.

good-bye my little red jeep liberty....

mexican

i can't fathom christmas. there is too much going on at one time to really get it all. i can't understand that christmas is this tuesday.

i just found out that this year (as we party with my mom's side) my family will be celebrating christmas two days later at a mexican restaurant. my great grandfather and great grandmother owned a restaraunt (apparently she made the best pies ever made!) and that building is now a mexican restaurant. that is where the food eating festivities will happen- followed by "gag gifts" at one my my aunt and unlce's houses. this side of the fam is not so much into "normal" traditions. i like this. i like my family. i can't wait to get to my grandma's! that is the one place you never have to doubt the pluthera of mountain dew and m 'n m's.

i am really diggin' the mexican restautant thing. i feel so nastalgic being in the building where my great grandparents used to cook and serve and where my grandma grew up and where her and my grandpa would share a booth. i have a black and white picture of them sharing a booth. it's my favorite.

family is my favorite.

oh, and i have no idea how to spell restaurant.

i miss my finger

i do quite miss my finger. i can't really type very well, so i will not be writing a very lengthy post. writing is my outlet, and "missing" a finger really hinders that endeavor. even using a pen or fork is weird. it's interesting being injured for a day or two- crazy stories to tell, some thing creepy to constantly evaluate, etc. i've grown weary of it though. it's making every day living more difficult and i don't rather like it. i imagine i still have an ordeal to go through before it's all said and done. i won't describe that ordeal as it's rather gross. the body is a mystery to me. i'm oh-so fascinated by God's creation of it. poor finger- i feel bad for you.

table time

i have sorely, sorely missed table time. i didn't realize the extent of how MUCH i missed table time until i experienced table time again in the flesh tonight. it has been too, too long. i love you table time.

How

"It's not who you knew, or what you did....it's how you lived."

i just want to be the best version of me i can possibly be.

spider woman

i can't escape the arachnoids. i knew they were stalking me, and i was right.

i woke up in the night the other night with a pain in my thigh. i thought, "oh brother. another bruise from work." this happends all the time. i rolled onto my other side and moved on with my sleep.

the next morning as i was preparing for my day, something on my thigh caught my eye. i leaned in closer to examine and what do i see? some sort of knot/welt with a perfect red circle outlining it. it was about the size of an oreo cookie. ish.

i carried on with my day- no big deal. the next day, it was still annoying me. i could feel it when i moved...just like a bruise. i complained to a co-worker (i have this thing about feeling the need to express injuries, illnesses,bodily functions, etc. ) and she instantly freaked. she told me i should go to the doctor in case it was a spider bite.

ISH.

it had been in the back of my mind all along, but i had refused to go there. i called my aunt, who is a nurse, and long story short ended up at urgent care.

since i am not at liberty to express the circumstances to which i had to live...let me just say they gave me some drugs (YEAH!) and we're hoping for the best. it's not too comforting when the doctor says, "hhhmmm...that is odd...i haven't seen this..." and traces my said spider bite with a pen.

now i'm creeped and get all itchy when i climb into my bed. it's not "sleeping-in-the-living room- worthy", but still creepy. when and where could i have possibly been attacked?

i think the poison crept up to my throat, because today i woke up with no voice...

what a weird-o week.

my dad says now i can be spider woman. hardy har har.

i suppose if i get to kiss a hot guy up-side-down then it might not be that bad...

my red coat

for as long as i can remember, we've been best friends. i'm not sure when my mom turned into my friend...but it happened. we became more then mother-daughter. mom and i talk about every thing under the sun. she knows me, and understands me more then any one else in this entire universe. our bond is so strong, and we know each other so well that we can almost never keep secrets from each other.

today i got a package. the slip arrived yesterday informing me to pick up my package today some time after 6:30 am. i rolled out of bed this morning feeling quite lousy with a cold. i was drudging my way to the kitchen when i spotted the slip on our note board. instantly an excited "oh yeah!" surged throug me. i threw on a pair of old jeans, my pink boots, a hat, scarf, and puffy coat, prepared to fight the storm and get to the post office. as i was bracing the wind, the snow smacking my face, i thought, "wouldn't it be nice if my package was something warm to wear?"

i picked up my package, fought my way through the storm, back to my car, and tore it open immediately! and there it was. a new, down, warm, goose feather coat just for me! i was in awe! i had been wanting a nice warm coat for winter this year and my mother knew my need even before i did! i was so touched. so excited. so happy. so relieved. so in awe. i feel so loved.

mom. i wouldn't be who i am without her.

i thought about my new red coat all day. every time i was annoyed at work, or had moments alone...my heart would smile remembering that special gift sent just to me today...with love from my mom...

and again, we're passing the cheer...

i saw my first starbucks christmas commercial tonight. i know i am supposed to be ultra loyal, and i totally am...but i have to admit, the commercial was a bit lame. a girl hugs a bear..."peppermint white mocha" (which happends to be an excellent beverage) comes up...they remind us to "pass the cheer" and then it's done. hhhmm...for all the money they spent doing that, i honestly expected just a bit more then that...

4 Channels

i walked in the door the other night to find the tv shoved into the middle of the room. swz was shoved in the corner, tanlged up in all kinds of cords. the sounds of angry comments, accompanied by angry growls filled the air.

"what'cha doin' back there?" i asked.

"i'm so done with only 4 stations. all i want to do is watch a freaking football game on 45."

a few minutes later i hear her on the phone with her grandma. she was looking for some sordof electronic doo-dad that she thought for sure would re-instate the 3 channels we lost when we got the new tv. you see, we used to have 7 channels total- not anymore. grandma was no help.

me: "did you check under the futon?"

badda-bing! the doo-dad was found. i was the hero! at this point, i left for the evening. upon my return, i cautiously asked, "did you get back the channels?" to which swz replied: "yes i did."

me: "really?!"

the cable arrives thursday.

Farmer's Dog

there was a farmer who had a dog, and bingo was his name-o.

pretty sure i played bingo tonight. like the real deal bingo. it really exists.

i am now the proud new owner of a dabbin' fever dotter.

i totally played B-I-N-G-O tonight.

P to the umpkin

i have this enormous craving for pumpkin pie. no joke. i was grocery shopping tonight...only had to get 2 things. i left with two bags full! anyway, i was totally smacked in the face every aisle my cart turned down with thanksgiving. i could't help it! this craving for pumpkin pie just engulfed me. i was over in the bakery section and i saw the pp on sale! but i didn't want, and certainly didn't need an entire pp! i looked for half pies, but they only came in the fruit kind. that would just not do. i wanted pumpkin! so i thought to myself, i have my "special" ice cream in the freezer right now, and how perfect would that go with a nice, big piece of pp? hhhmmm...but they only came in full pie form! too much for me. i just wanted a mere slice. i thought, maybe i should just stop at baker's square. no- too much of a hassle for a dumb piece of pie. but it's thanksgiving week, and i really want it now! so that's when it came to me. this glorious realization.

i am 25 years old. i buy all my own groceries. i can buy an entire pie if i so choose to buy an entire pie! i have a roommate and friend, she'll of course revel in it with me! i have the freedom to buy however many the heck pieces of pie i want! glorious!

i bought the whole pie.

i got home, opened the box, and cut out a bite for myself BEFORE dinner.

yeah. i bought an entire pumpkin pie.

FIRE!

these things are never expected. never imagined.

i was standing in my lil kitchen, fixing myself some supper. it was beenies and weenies night, and i was quite looking forward to sitting down, finishing a movie, eating my yummy food, and just resting. i had several burners of my stove going when out of nowhere i hear this odd, sordof mini-explosion. i glanced out my living room window and sweet mercy! what did i see? but a FIRE blazing right outside! i rushed to the blinds and pushed them back to get a better view. craziness! the dumpster, directly outside my window was up in flames! fire was just shooting wildly out the top.

i starred at it for a second and then grabbed my phone. i thought i should call 911, but then i wasn't sure. every time i've had to call 911, i always debate first. i never want to bother them with something that really isn't an emergency. i looked again at the fire, and thought, "well, the flames are shooting out...." i dialed. the lady told me to "hold on". in that moment i became a little disturbed. hearing "hold on" from the 911 lady is not exaclty comforting. what if i had been bleeding to death or something? or worse....

anyway- she asked if some word was my address, and i replied, no, that was not my address. then she asked where i lived, and i told her my street. she then told me MY exact address. weird that they know. that was quite comforting. they can find me like that! well anyway, some body else had already called it in. she said, "yeah, it's a dumpster fire". like i know what that means. does everyone know what a dumpster fire is? she informed me that the fire department was on their way! i thanked her and hung up.

that's when i realized my hands were shaking. i found that to be odd. i wasn't that scared or anything. i think i was mostly nervous about calling 911. i proceeded to stand at the window and watch the fire. it felt like awhile before the first rescue SUV arrived. of COURSE it was an SUV. :) in reality, it was probably only a minute or so. i couldn't help but get a little excited when i heard the sirens in the distance- then saw the red, white, and blue flashing lights. that made me feel so safe. every time i have called 911 since living here, the cops have always arrived in comfortably quick timing. as i watched, i wondered if cops use red, white, and blue lights in honor of our country. it was actually very pretty.

then, seconds later, i heard the sirens again, and got to watch the big, massive, heavy duty firetruck pull in. out poured all the hottie firemen in their gear. they literally jumped out, grabbed the hose, and then i got really giddy! how cool is that?! they really use that hose thing! i have to admit, i was a bit diappointed because some middle aged woman was driving the truck...and then they had to wait and show her how to turn the nozzle on. boring.

BUT, the hotties drowned the flames and i watched the whole thing from the comfort of my own living room. i stood there, blinds pulled aside, eating my food just soaking in all that action. that's when i noticed that they were noticing me. they were all staring back at me and i suddenly got quite embarrassed! i stepped back to my stove, out of sight- deffinatley a hiding moment.

i couldn't help but wander back over to the window and watch them leave. i stood there and sighed. i felt rescued. like the firemen actually rescued me. i thanked them twice, although i know they didn't hear me...but, maybe they saw me wave my fork...

Any Other Way

any empty pizza box. the case for "you've got mail" laying on the floor. empty coffee mugs. movie ticket stubs in my purse. my new white coat with new coffee stains strewn on the coach. a wallet on the counter. a precious new christmas ornament. an empty can of livewire mountain dew. an empty baby can of a & w's root beer.

i love getting up in the morning and seeing different objects around that speak of the evening from the night before. i love nights like last night.

the movies with two close friends- martian child. sooooo good.

then coming home and just bein' in my sweats and tank top.

i made a comment to swz that it wasn't fair because someday it was gonna be her, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend watching football while i slept on the couch. i told her it was a lose, lose, lose situation for me. she smiled and said, "no. you win because you'd have a boyfriend." ah. true.

well, truth be told. i love saturday nights in 202. and, as has been said, i wouldn't have it any other way.

Again! We're Passing the CHEER!

i am so beyond excited for christmas i can hardly handle it!

it is starbucks christmas eve! tomorrow morning, i will arrive at 6:28 am to a magical, christmas wonderland! the mall christmas lights are lit all day now, and the ginormous wreaths with lights are hung, too! i will arrive a couple moments before mike, and gaze giddily through the windows, soaking in all the new cheer. there will be posters and pictures and reds and whites and mugs and christmas blend at every turn and ornaments and decorations and signs. there will be red cups in all shapes and sizes. there will be christmas small handle bags and christmas pastry bags. (these people don't miss a thing!) the dorothy ruby red shoes trays will be ready for me to display all the new holiday pastries!

THEN, in our red tshirts, mike and i will enter the magical wonderland and i will just soak it all in! i will head straight to the back and turn on the new christmas music! i will set up the pastries and breathe in the gingerbread and cranberry bliss and caramel praline!

THEN, around 9:11ish, it will be time. TIME for me to make and consume my VERY FIRST tall, soy, no whip, with foam and RED sprinkles, peppermint mocha in an adorable red cup of the season. heck! i may even get a grande!

i can HARDLY WAIT!

not only that, but i am just GIDDY about christmas! i have a huge secret (that i can not post on this blog) that i am THEE MOST excited about! oh my word. and it's not even the day that's so exciting, it's the NOW! the preparation. the anticipation. the planning. the scheming. the dreaming. and it is HERE!

merry starbucks christmas eve everyone!

Full House

Full House: the complete series came out today, for the first time.
oh my word.
it's actually on sale at best buy.
sigh.
the COMPLETE series.

A Big Girl's World

i'm a big girl. i don't know when it happened, but here i am. adult. on my own. independant. i am 25 years old. looks pretty young on paper, but i feel sometimes as if my life is passing me by while i chill on the sidelines. when i consider it logically- no. absolutely i am being proactive about certain parts of me. my heart is engaged, and my heart loves- oh deeply loves the people around me, and then there's the God of my life. *smile* that phrase just makes me smile. i came across this psalm today- 42:8.

by day
the Lord directs his love,
at night
his song is with me-
a prayer to
the God of my life.

saying the God of my life makes me feel possessive, a bit shy, proud, and it proves that i am in love with Him. i really am. the hard part is trying to grasp this love of His for me. it should be easy to believe in. it should be easy to accept.

i have always been an easy lover. i just love people, things, activities, foods, colors, quirks, music...it's natural for me to say, "oh my gosh. i LOVE...{fill in the blank}". i am also quite loyal to the things that i love. my heart attaches to people, or things...and i am forever loyal. it's in my blood. i can't help but love and latch on, and never let go.

what happends is when that love is thrown back in my face. or when my love is used. or when my love is taken for granted. or when my love is broken. or when the love i can't help but offer is carelessly tossed aside. then, i am left to pick up the pieces. then, i hurt. then i grieve. then i am left wondering.

why do i so easily love...but am not so easily loved in return? and why do i take that as meaning God does not love me in return? for crying out loud! must we re-hash ALL that He has done? no, no, no. i know all that. i do.

it's odd to have such a human heart try so desperately to connect with a supernatural, perfect heart. doesn't seem like a good match to me. mostly i say that to mean, maybe that's why there is a struggle. maybe God is not supposed to be easy.

maybe it's OK that our relationship is hard. maybe it's OK that we go through deeps and darks as well as highs and lights.

no, i suppose God is not supposed to be easy. no relationship ever is.

i am a big girl. living in a big girl's world.

i just want to love, and be loved. at the end of the day, all i want is to love, and have been loved in return.

Softly Spoken- Loudly Heard

"you know what you're supposed to do- you don't like quitting because you're afraid of the unknown."

yes. i am afraid of the unknown.
where does my responsibility lie? (lay? whatever. i hate grammar.)
do i quit something that drains my soul?
OR
do i act responsibly and do what i need to do to pay the bills- even though i am betraying myself, my very soul, my heart?
i am in quite a bit of debt.
i feel i am left with no choice at all.
how long?
how long must i agonize over what is my life?
how long must i WAIT?

i have become quite good at pretending. mostly to convince myself that i can CHOOSE to be happy. no matter my circumstances, i can make the choice to be happy- even if i'm not doing what i want to do. but, what is that anyway?

i have been hurt. not hurt in a major, huge, out-of-commission way. but, hurt none the less. i have been dragging around this burden for what feels like weeks and weeks. it has affected me more then i choose to admit. at the end of the day, it makes me angry at God. it has started to make me bitter at God. all the pent up hurt and hidden pain just festers and makes me angry.

i don't want an ugly soul. if i don't deal with this- i will have an ugly soul.

there is nothing i can do to make it go away. this is the kind of hurt that has to run its course. i've had my sad love songs, i've had my bowls of ice cream, i've had my mountain dew, i've had my m 'n m's, i've had my cries. i'm now left with hundreds of questions, haunting words, and some regrets.

that's LIFE.

for some reason, my life as of late has had a string of icks. i pretend they don't bother me. i pretend i am fine. i pretend i am better off. but really, i am a child.

scared.
frightened.
doubting.
questioning.
wondering.
crying.

alone.

Realize

Realize

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you


If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.


Take time to realize
I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.


It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

~colbie caillat

colbie ROCKS.

MORE than

they (who is "they" anyways?) say a picture speaks more then a thousand words.
i say a gift speaks more then a thousand words as well.
but, it is also true that words do speak for themselves.

what happeneds when all three are received at the same time? for me, a bursting heart. a heart so touched, and so awed, and so humbled it just wants to hide.

i was given such a gift the other night by my church community. a REAL book (not a scrapbook) was made just for me. it has pictures, and a sort-of letter written to me that i get to treasure forever now. i was quite caught off guard, and was speechless as i was presented such a jewel. i sqeaked out an awkward "thank you..." and wished for some deep, profound words that i could grace the people with. instead i sat there starring at my very own book, running my fingers softly over the glazed cover. awestruck. the book contained priceless memories from one of the most special nights i was blessed to be a part of.

what is more: the gift to me means LOVE. love for me. we all hear, accept, and feel love in different ways. i heard love in my language loud and clear that night. and i hear it and feel it every time i gently, tenderly flip through the pages of my very own book.

how can you thank a group of people for loving you that much?

My Non-Double Blog

hey all! my first post for consumed is published right now! you can read it at:

www.consumedministries.com

scroll down a bit, and you can click on "click here for our main blog!"

then you will find my post...it's called "blood"...no worries! it has nothing to do with halloween. ICK.

Pass the Cheer!!

it's about 6:20 am. it's dark. it's chilli. i am bustling my way down several flights of outdoor stairs to get to the door of the MOA that i am allowed to enter with my badge. with my sweatshirt pulled tightly around me i walk as briskly as possible to make it to my store a few minutes before scheduled. i rush past the guard (who actually was MIA this morning!) and down the long corridor to get to the escalator. my mind is in a fog, my typical morning state.

but, something manages to catch my eye this morning. i slowly lift my head...and what do i see but thousands of twinkling, sparkling, tiny, bright white christmas lights! hundreds of strands hung from the highest point in the ceiling- three stories up. my heart danced inside me. it was warmed to the very depths. i jogged up the escalator to get to my floor, and stood on the balcony gazing all around me- surrounded by the beautiful, cheery, warm, sparkly, twinkly lights. i looked as high as the lights went, and then leaned down to see below me where the strands ended...it was just me, the stillness of the quiet early morning mall and the warm little christmas lights. every year i revel in the MOA twinkly lights. it's probably my favorite part of the MOA at christmas, and it's here!

pass the cheer is here, too! we got our first shipment of christmas stuff at starbucks! christmas bags, christmas short cups, christmas sleeves...i was skipping all around the back room today- full of excitment that it's here! the red cups, the peppermint mochas, the red trays, the green and blue sleeves...it's only just beginning! holiday phase I officially starts in just 16 days! november 8 is the big day! i can hardly wait!

i am already relishing in christmas cheer. i roamed the christmas aisles at walmart today- soaking in all the warmth and happiness that only the christmas season can bring. the lights were up there, too- again, making my heart soar! i bought christmas cards, and a special little decoration for our apartment.... ;)

christmas only comes once a year- and it's here! it's here! pass the cheer is HERE!

Not Again...

it's true. it is now 12:30am, and i can't sleep. again. i haven't even tried to get into bed yet- i just know. i know the feeling of when i won't be able to sleep. i do NOT want to crawl in my covers- toss and turn, roll around, mess up the nice, tight sheets, and get all tangled. so, here i sit. i have read everyone's blog on my list- and even connected to other's blogs on other's lists. still. no sleep has come. i know the drill. in a little bit, i'll probably take my trusty tylenol pm. (thanks kristi! and don't worry people- jeff doesn't read my blogs!)

the funny thing is, tonight i kinda know why i can't sleep. do you ever just NOT want to be left alone with your thoughts? with things that are going on? the silence just drives me CRAZY. i have been walking around, and at any minute if there's a chance for silence, i shove my ipod in my ears. i can't take it. i don't want to think. i don't want to know. i just can't take it!

don't worry people- i'm not moving, i'm not going anywhere, i'm not ill...it's just a weird phase, and i am sure it'll pass. it always does...sometimes my heart just feels things that it doesn't want to feel. sometimes it feels things that it tries so hard NOT to. sometimes, there is just nothing i can do but BE. and sometimes, i really hate BEing.

i know i am being so "emo" right now...but if you're not making sense of this: good, but take notes because someday you will get it. if you are, we should be friends...

Double Blogger Nazi

i have been inspired twice lately to blog. the thing is, i have also committed to writing a blog for consumed once a month. this makes me feel like anytime i am inspired (not counting the quirky, weird kind of blogs) i need to submit it to consumed. thus, my own personal blog is lacking. i was instructed that i am not allowed to "double-blog". i will inform you, my faithful readers, when my blogs are posted by consumed- so you can read them over there.

stayed tuned: maybe some weird, quirky thing will happen to me today that i will be allowed to write about.... :)

Night Owl

i've been rediscovering my inner night owl. for the past two years, i have made a valiant effort to turn myself into a morning person. i've gotten up at 5am for many, many months now. i prefer opening at my store because i love getting work out of the way for the day. i do not hate my job, but i hate going to work. (this would mean ANY job that i have to do. don't mistake that to mean i don't like hard work. i was raised to value hard work, and to be hard working. it's just of my beliefs that a career is not the kind of hard work i want to be doing...) anyways....

most recently i have been scheduled to close my store for the whole weekend. half my week is spent getting up at 5am, and half my week is spent staying up til 5am. (not really that late, but you get the picture.) when i close, i get home around 11:15pm or so. i am wired at that point. i just spent the entire afternoon, and night at work: cleaning, dealing with customers, teaching other partners how to close, stressing about if everything is getting done on time, getting the money all accounted for, and the list goes on....by the time i get home, my legs and back ache, and my mind is just reeling. thus, i hang out until like 2am. i watch a movie, eat, chill with swz, watch re-runs online, talk to friends, get caught up on email, etc. i love that late night stuff. i am a natural born night owl! i always have been. then, i get to sleep until 10 or 11am the next day, because i don't work until after 2pm. it's an amazing thing to sleep until whenever i want- with no alarm clock freakin' out at me. night time is fun! morning time is not.

it's just another reminder that i am not a morning person! i don't talk, i can't function, i am angry inside that people are talking to me and happy-go-lucky. who the heck is happy first thing in the morning?! ish. at work, i do a decent job pretending to be friendly in the morning. in life, i don't even bother to pretend. in the morning. what you see is what you get.

don't get me wrong, i still prefer opening my store everyday of the week- but since i have to close, too....well it's brought me back to my inner owl, and i kinda like it.

An Attempt at My Heart...

My heart? What is my heart saying right now?

My heart wants to express my deepest gratitude to all of you who prayed for the AG Silver/Cornerstone Benefit Concert last night. All day long, I received precious texts, voicemails, emails, cards, facebook posts, and encouraging notes everywhere I turned. Thank you. God was HUGE yesterday. HUGE. He and I had some powerful moments, and I’m thankful we actually had quite a bit of time to ourselves.

I know a lot of you were praying about my car situation. It’s a crazy story- but LONG story short, I asked for prayer for it to be fixed by 4pm central time. Right after sending out that email, I got down on my knees, asked God for my car back and left it in His hands. I got my car back at 2:45 pm AND got a nice, unexpected mile run in! Later that day, I ended up driving a friend around who really needed to get some things taken care of, so God had more in mind for getting it fixed then even I could know! Thank you for praying…thank you.

I keep thinking back on so many things that took place yesterday, and last night. It makes me wonder if this is what planning a wedding is like. So many people come together, work so hard, lose sleep, stop eating, get excited, get worried, pray, hope, dream….all leading up to one event. Then, in the blink of an eye it’s all done, and I can’t for the life of me believe it’s over!

So, my heart of hearts wants to express that YES and AMEN the night was glorious! The night was absolutely precious, and it was beautiful. Many people coming together for the soul purpose of loving God and loving people and using their unique abilities in such a vast array of ways. The night was full of color, character, emotion, art, soul, wholeness, love, and God. Part of me can’t sit still because I am so happy at such a beautiful event, and another part of me wants to weep for all that God has brought my community through.

Vague? Maybe my words seem vague- but I think it’s because my heart does not possess the capabilities to put into words what I experienced in real life last night.

I just want to thank you, and say how grateful- how desperately grateful I am for The Body of Christ.

My biggest prayer throughout all of this was that GOD WOULD BE GLORIFIED. Mostly I am in awe, because as my heart reflects on the night, I see that yes, truly yes, my God glorified Himself in ways I never could have imagined…

AG Silver/Cornerstone Benefit Concert


whew! i can't believe i just said, "whew!" i have reached a new level of nervousness/excitement about the upcoming concert. it is only a mere 3 nights away. (i like to think in terms of how many nights of sleep i have until the said occasion)

tonight at church we had a long discussion about roles that need to be taken care of for this event. as details were discussed, i was sitting there getting nervous. my stomach suddenly had a big, tight knot in it. i looked over at swz and said, "oh my word. i'm getting sick all of the sudden..." she looked me straight in the eye and said, "look at all these people taking care of stuff! you're not doing this alone...it's gonna be awesome!" boom. that's my friend and roommate in a nutshell. ever supportive, ever strong, ever encouraging. (don't ever let her fool you otherwise!)

then we all split up into groups and prayed for this special, SPECIAL night that is about to come forth. powerful night. EXCITING night. i feel like a pregnant woman about to give birth to a child. not to be creepy or anything...but i have watched the creation of this night take place starting months and months ago, really. i can hardly believe it's about to take place in just a couple days. amazing. truly amazing.

God has used my church to surround around this dream, pick it up, make it their own, and carry it out to reality. WOW. what more can i say? i am truly, utterly, outstandingly blessed.

please come. if you're reading this and live anywhere near bloomington, please come! it's going to be an awesome night- and we want to give to cornerstone all that we possibly can. if you live further away- please pray that people come like CRAZY. crazy amounts of people!

God- may YOU be glorified. thank you for this night. thank you....
AG Silver/Cornerstone Benefit Concert
Wednesday Night, October 17
7 pm
Northwestern Health Sciences University (chiropractic college in bloomington- on the corner of penn and 84th )

writing

sometimes i sit at my computer and really have the desire to write a blog- but nothing happens. i type up a couple different paragraphs, then erase them all. tonight- all the things on my mind are more secret things, i guess. i don't often think about my blog audience, i just write what's there. but at certain times- i have to filter. normally this would be the type of paragraph that i would delete. not tonight. this is getting published.
i'm not that tired. i could probably fall asleep, but for secret reasons, it will be an unrestful night. i think i'll watch the last episode of season 3. i've been saving it for a special occasion.

insomnia

i never slept last night. not for one measley second. it was pure misery. after several hours of tossing and turning and putting on the covers and throwing off the covers, i started to freak out. horrors.

i finished a book. i visited the bathroom a couple times. i tied a bandana around my eyes to keep out any form of light. i prayed. i quoted scripture. i renounced the enemy, who i was convinced was attacking me. finally, at about 3:30 am, i began to sob and sob and sob.

i miss my family so much it just hurts. homesickness is a heart-wrenching disease. after about 45 minutes of tears, i felt a little more calm. thought maybe i'd get an hour of sleep. nope. turns out, i got up and got ready really slowly. i even put curlers in my hair to take up more time.

i don't know WHY i couldn't sleep. i thought about a lot of things during those six hours of a restless night. i wasn't particularly worried, just have a lot on my mind, i guess. nothing to lose an ENTIRE night's sleep over. but, i did. for whatever reason.

so- i am a zombie right now. i am trying really hard not to nap. i want to go to bed and SLEEP through the night tonight. if you're reading this: please pray for a full night's sleep for me!

i have a new found sympathy for insomniacs. i was pretty close to going mental last night...they say you'll die of a lack of sleep before you'll die of a lack of food...i belive it.

AG Silver Live!

I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my third cup of Pike’s Place Blend, (for those of you who don’t know- you can only buy PP in Seattle, at the very first Starbucks! A good friend got it for me on her last visit there.) keeping cozy on this dreary day. There have been loads of things going on in my life, but I am narrowing it down to only one to share with you today!
God created this dream in my heart several months ago- one that, at the beginning, I really didn’t think would ever pan out. But what an amazing, creative, powerful, and glorious God I know! He has brought this dream to an actual reality and it is about to take place a week from tomorrow.
You see, I have a friend who plays in a band (the drummer- for those of you know my freak passion for the drums!). AG Silver was looking for venues as they were starting their tour. Friends and I saw them in concert several months ago, loved them, and so I thought it would be amazing to have them come to the ever-cool Twin Cities! Then I started thinking, if they came, I would want all the proceeds to go towards people in need. This was my dream, in a tiny nutshell, and long story short: AG Silver is coming, Lisa (Corby) Beavers is opening for them, all the proceeds are going to an abused women/children’s shelter (Cornerstone), and God used my church to rally around this dream to make it happen!
The concert is Wednesday, October 17th at 7pm. I know you guys can’t come, being that you’re all over the country, and most of you nowhere near MN, but I would love it if you could pray for this event! My prayer is that God would be glorified in a HUGE way! I want people that come to see HIM, HIS love, and HIS light in all of us there. Pray that tons of people come!
If you would like to contribute, you could still buy a ticket for $5 (even though you can’t come!), as all the proceeds will go to specific security needs that Cornerstone has. What fearful lives those women must live. I can’t even imagine. Tickets can be purchased at: www.thegardencommunities.org
Anyway, I am super stoked about how God has brought all of this about in such an amazing way. Excitement reigns in my heart. How overwhelming that God has designed us all in such unique ways that He uses all kinds of situations to bring glory to Himself! I’m just along for the ride, and get to be blessed in the process. What joy!
I’m so looking forward to sharing with you how amazing the night was!

close

i survived my first close in like a year. i'm already thinking of things i forgot. overall i think it went well. i'll find out when i arrive back there in the morning. the best part was, the night went by really fast! it's a scary thing this closing business. i was literally sick to my stomach and shaky b'c i had not closed in so long. it was quite weird. i've been there for almost 4 years and used to constantly close.

i have concluded it was change that got me uptight. change is never easy for me. but i am embracing change in so many ways in my life. people may not be able to see, but there's a part of me that's a whole new me.

i missed my regular customers tonight. my morning friends were long gone by the time i got in. sad.

i'm real tired, but wired.

night.

rut?

i don't know if i'm completely out of my rut, but i am certainly getting there. i really do not know what my "deal" is. i spent the day trying not to waste it by being down. i woke up early (5:38 am, what can i say- it's such a routine now!) and never had a restful sleep, so i got up sometime after 9 am. i tried reading my Bible, praying, journaling, etc. but ended up just feeling BLAH and i fell asleep again. i felt weird all day- like i couldn't shake this sadness in me, and it made me very sleepy and wanting to sleep. i won't give you every detail of my day, but it was sunny and warm and beautiful- and i so desperately wanted to feel like that inside.

i sensed God leading me to go to this prayer night, so i went. i thought i was going to know one other person, so i was a bit nervous showing up. when i got there- my very own friend and her girls were standing at the door! i was so surprised. then, i found out more of my friends were there, too. it ended up being a great night of prayer for area colleges.

what struck me the most was this. a kid that i have never met, never even seen before stood up and actually announced the Cornerstone/AG Silver benefit concert. for those of you who don't know- it's something that God has given me a passion for, and it's something that He's been bringing together for the past couple of months. the concert is very near and dear to my heart- and my church has being working hard at getting the word out about it. hearing a perfect stranger talking about it just made my heart soar! God is working! i have been praying that the concert would bring glory to HIM and it already has.

i had this vision/dream while i was praying tonight, too. don't freak out people- i'm not being hoaky, i just mean an idea struck me! it's something that involves starbucks, and that maybe i can influence "partners" for the Kingdom- we'll see.

the night ended with a friend taking some of us out for appetizers, which meant so much to me.

God knows. He knows i was having a lonely, sad day- and He lead me to a powerful place with people that i love. that's intimacy right there. that's my God. :)

post vacation rut

i've been stuck in a post-vacation rut all week. my heart has been miserable, aching. i can not even define what it is that has plagued me to the point of sorrow. i've literally been grieving all week long. i don't think people at work could tell- i do like my job, and i enjoyed being there. but when i got home, i mourned. i layed around on the couch a lot, watched a lot of gilmore girls (because going to stars hollow is going to such a happy place!) and drank A LOT, and mean A LOT of mountain dew. it's my accilese (sp?!) heel, what can i say. i could not be around people, and no desire to be. i simply just had to mourn.

mainly, i think all of this is because my vacation was, indeed, so incredibly amazing. i was with every member of my family- all at the same time. we were together. i could cry even now just thinking about it. when i go back east, am reunited with my dear family, and then have to return to MN, i am always plagued with "why am i living in MN?!" it's truely strange.

but today, well today was of God. He used a friend to help get me out of my depressing funk. and He lead me to hear a message that my heart so desperately needed to hear. i was preciously reminded of the intimacy i have with my God. it's mine for the taking. it's at my finger tips, and i can be there any time i want. He is always opening His arms to me, inviting me in. inviting me to our oasis, our "sanctum"....

and i just got called into work. but, He's with me there, too...guess that's all for now...

not for a bit

there is an ASM position open for my store- but i am not allowed to apply for it. oh well. i'm fine with this. the higher ups say i have to grow more and work more on my development plan. i'm cool with that. most likely i will be transferred after christmas. i'm glad i have the stability of at least knowing what the next few months hold for me. plus, i love the MOA at christmas. i love starbucks at christmas. heck- i'm even actually looking forward to black friday at the moa. it's a thing we have. the more horrible it gets, the better we feel. it's hard to explain. i think it's the challenge, and we rise up, and conquer, and do it together. feels good. plus, a full day is over before noon since we have to arrive so early.
anyway, all that conquering stuff reminds me of my role in this whole Body of Christ thing. it's a challenge, but we rise up, and conquer, and do it together. i'm thankful for all those who are doing this together with me.

cold

it's cold. i hate it. HATE it. this is the last you will hear me complain for the rest of this awful time of life- for the next AT LEAST 7 months you will not hear me utter these words aloud again. just know that i am miserable every waking moment of every murderous degree below 70. (and even that's pushin' it.) i am so angry about the cold it's hard to control the tears. alas, i am done complaining.

i have a super cute new fall coat. that will be fun to wear. and i'm done.

ELEVATOR!!

ok. for real. i am at the OBX (in NC). i am ON the beach. it's in the late 70's...and it's evening. i have my own room, with my own bathroom attached. there is a porch swing right outside my window. there is a pool, again, on the beach. as well as a hot tub. there is a game room, with a flat screen tv. there are several fridges, several washer and dryers. several decks. several bed rooms, and bathrooms, pretty much several everthing. it sleeps 22 people. the house is so big, there is an elevator. need i say more?!

AND, i am with my parents and close family friends. i could not be more happy. seriously. this has got to be Heaven on earth. seriously. i might actually have died and gone to Heaven.

Roots

it's in my blood. i have to write about Roots.

i am a bit discouraged, though, because i keep asking people if they've heard of "Roots" and i have gotten, "the band?", "what are you talking about?", "what's that about?" no people! like i said, it's in my blood to spread the word about this thing called, "Roots".

it's actually originally a book- written by a man named Alex Haley. it was then turned into a made-for-tv-movie series that was shown in the 70's.

i was given the 573 minute series on dvd- and have watched it for the past 3 days, basically non-stop. i was so enammored with it all. it's a major history lesson about haley's first descendant who was brought to america as a slave.

when bringing up the word, "slave", i hardly feel like i need to say anything more. that word is so loaded. so packed full of meaning, and horror, and....and so many things that i can not even begin to comprehend.

at times, i felt ashamed of my country. i felt ashamed of the so-called "christians" that came before me. i felt ashamed just for being white. i felt trapped for those slaves. i felt helpless. i felt suffocated. i felt horror.

and prejudice hasn't really stopped. no, we have "freedom" in america. we can say what we want, how we want, when we want...but those barriers are still there. and it's amongst all people- not just blacks or whites. it's everywhere...and i just don't understand WHY.

life is full of unanswered questions- but now, more then ever, i want to understand why it matters what the color of a person's skin is? why? a person is a person is a person. we all have hearts, souls, brains, lungs, teeth, blood- and it's all the same. so where did this whole notion of different skin colors come to be?

maybe at the tower of babel. that's my guess. i don't really know. i just don't want it apart of my life in any way.

REVENGE!

AH HA!! finally! revenge is MINE.

i haven't done laundry since my parents left (if you don't know how long that is, i am not saying...it's way too long, and way too gross!). i finally got home today after a long week of work (praise the Lord i got overtime hours! bad for my manager- good for my wallet!). i separated all my clothes while chatting with one of my favorite friends in the world! i love multi-tasking!

i decided to take my whites down to the basement laundry room first. so there i was, minding my own business, when suddenly OUT crawls a spider. no joke! RIGHT on top of the washing machine. at this point, i am FURIOUS! i instantly think, "You've been HIDING in my dirty sheets for this long?!" AND I'M DONE WITH SPIDERS. so i went to smash it with my bottle of bleach. i didn't get him all the way, but i DID successfully break a couple of his legs. it slowed him down. so then, he's still feebly hobbling around, so i evily decided to pour bleach on him. it made him scramble into a tiny spot where it was hard to reach him. so i soaked a dryer sheet in bleach and kept hitting him with it. i wanted him to suffer. when he was out in the open- i dowsed him again with bleach- sending him to the depths below.

HA! die spider. DIE. and i hope it was a burning, slow, painful death. don't MESS.

funk

i can't get my thoughts in gear. i've started to blog about 3 times now, and ended up deleting the posts. i don't know what my deal is. there are many things swimming through my thoughts, soul, and heart. i think what it comes down to is i've been reserving my heart for one of my journals lately. i guess i am going through a more private journey right now. no offense to faithful readers- i love you all. :) i'm in a blog funk, but wanted to at least give a shout out!

i'm off to my happy place- in bed with my journal, fan blazing in the background on this warm summer evening....

ASM

i don't know when it happened- but it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. somewhere during the past little while (quite vague, i know!) God has been teaching my heart to live FOR today, live IN today, and LOVE today. that means gone are the days i am living for what's next. gone are the days i am living for the future. gone are the days i am living for what i thought my life was supposed to be.

that doesn't mean i am giving up my dreams- in fact, it has helped me realize that i AM living some of my dreams already, and i wasn't even aware of it. i have been so blinded by my pre-conceived notions about my life, and where it "should" be that i have missed so many days of the HERE and NOW. today is a great day! and i mean that. even the past several gloomy, rainy, yucky days have been great. and it's not been about my circumstances- no! it's been about my heart.

God's powerful work in my heart- sweetly whispering to me that i am special. that my life is really special. that my heart is a treasure- and He dwells there. God has been tenderly showing me that He has created me for an irreplaceable role, and i am currently living it out! in so many ways, too. not just my job- although that is one! not just my writing- although that is one! not just my church- although that is one! and the list continues.

God is moving me in the direction of taking on an assistant manager position at starbucks. people have been surprised by this move- but only because i have been so against it in the past. i am finally coming to terms with things in my life- it's ok if i'm not doing what i "always thought i was supposed to do". God has me at a great company! God has me doing something that i, in fact, love doing. i've been fighting against my job for the past couple years because i thought i was worthless for being there. i thought i was not doing what i was supposed to be doing. i thought i was missing out on something bigger and better. i was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do- assuming it wasn't starbucks. and it's like all of the sudden, a light pops on (thank you daddy!) and i realize, "oh my soul. wait a minute. could it be that starbucks IS what God wants me to be doing?" i have been trying to figure it out for so long- and here it is, plain and simple. i AM doing what God wants! what a freaking relief!! what freaking freedom has burst forth from my heart! i am so happy!

and so it is. i am pursuing this ASM positiong- whole-heartedly, working it at with all my strength because i know this is what God is calling me to for this day. for this season.

seize the day.

New Heights

i've reached new heights today. i'm quite proud of myself, actually. i am sitting here on a rainy, cold, dreary sunday in my sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt. still freezing to death, i thought to myself, "i want a cup of coffee". and there it is folks. just me- all by myself wanting my own cup of coffee. i can hear it brewing in my little kitchen, and it makes me feel so cozy and warm already just listening to that steam acomin'. i am going to pick a special mug and sip til my hearts content. the aroma, the warmth, the feeling- it's a funny world that i have delved into- this coffee world. oh- it's beeping, it's done. my first, very OWN pot of coffee is ready and waiting for ME!

They're Literally Stalking Me

i can't sleep. my skin is crawling. i itch everywhere. i feel tingly sensations all over my body. even my own shadow makes me jump.

it all started about 2 weeks ago. one morning, around 6 freaking a.m., i went out to my little garage- which i use to protect me from villans, mind you- and there in the corner was this huge, and i mean huge- spider. i think it's safe to call him a tarantula. i freaked. there is no way i can walk to my car door without walking by the stinkin' beast. he haunts me every time i get in my car, every time i close the garage door, and every time i pull my car back in. this has been going on for days. DAYS! a lot of times- it's the first thought in my head when my alarm goes off. "ugh. that spider is waiting for me in the garage..." and it REALLY disturbs me. i think about him throughout my day- and a lot of times i itch, or slap at myself, thinking a spider is on me.

so then comes last night. i pull in the garage, get out, shut my garage door, and WHAM. there he is- right in front of me. normally i find comfort when i look at the beast and he's scrambling around in his web- at least i know he's not scrambling free. but this time- oh no! he was sitting right by my foot. i FKEAKED. i might have screamed. at any rate, i took off a flip flop and tried to KILL it once and for all! the freak disappeared! so i became frozen! where on earth would he have gone?! then, he REappears. TOTALLY playing games with me. by this time, i'm getting ticked off at the freak. so i rip off my other flip flop and go to KILL it again- and AGAIN he disappears. WHAT THE HECK?! so then- i'm convinced he must be on my person somehow. where else could he have gone?

i called swzy, and immediately asked, "WHERE ARE YOU?" thank God she was only two minutes down the road, so i stood there- shoeless, surrounded by my flip flops- frozen in fear. once she arrived, she analyzed the siutation- rescued my flops, closed my garage door- and walked me back inside where we continue on with our evening.

awhile later, i am leisurely lying on my bed, in the peace and comfort of my own room chatting away with a friend on the phone when all of the sudden- low and behold- OUT SCURRIES THE BEAST! the freaking tarantula crawled out of my sheets, scrambled ACROSS MY PILLOW and down to the depths of who knows where! i SCREAMED in a panic- jumped off my bed- and froze in the middle of my room. my poor friend on the other end of the line thought i had lost it.

swz slowly but surely makes it back into my room- searches above and below my bed and can't find the thing. to my horror- she turns to me and says, and i quote, "do you have your contacts in?" i could kill her. she's literally accusing me of SEEING THINGS! or in this case, NOT seeing things. of COURSE i had my contacts in! of COUSE i saw that freak crawl out of the depths of my peaceful bed and defile my beautiful pillow.

i proceeded to drag blankets from my hallway closet (NOT my bedroom) and i slept on the floor in the living room.

so, that brings us to today. i was convinced last night that the my spider enemy in the corner of my garage had attached itself, or hitched a ride in the cuff of my capri's and entered my home and that's how he ended up in my bed. well, when i got out to the dreaded garage this morning- oh! there he was. in the web in the corner.

thus, i am convinced that multitudes of tarantula's are out to get me. it's a conspiracy for sure. i'm convinced of it. i can no longer enter my room without freaking out in fear.

low and behold, i'm standing in my room tonight- talking with swz, trying to figure out what on earth to do to find this beast- and there he is in the corner of my wall- RIGHT ABOVE WHERE MY HEAD WOULD BE! so, i did what i can't help doing and SCREAMED and ran from the room- SHOVING swz towards that very wall in the process. i kept screaming at her to make SURE she got it- to make SURE she killed it on the first try, so the beast wouldn't get away- completely out of our site again.

i'm yelling this from our living room- when oh! what do i hear? but SWZY screaming! he JUMPED at her, and zoomed out of site. the beast lives on- in my bedroom- in my bed for crying out loud. my safe haven has been corrupted.

i have resigned myself to sleeping in the living room for the rest of my life. i truly believe they're after me- all of them. the one has taken over my garage, another my bedroom...what's next? it's a conspiracy, i tell you. they're after me.

Intense

yesterday was intense. some of you were praying for me- i thank you. i went to bed feeling heavy, weighed down, overwhelmed, and basically attacked.

you see, i had planned on spending the day preparing. i am co-leading a book study on "captivating", as tonight is my night to lead the chapters. i had no idea it would turn into such a difficult ordeal.

i started out leafing through some of my old journals. i sensed God leading me to read some of them to the girls- they are all in high school- when i shared. at first i thought it might be a fun endeavor to re-read about my life, but....mmmm...some of it wasn't so much fun. i was getting so caught up in the reading, and going back down memory lane when all of the sudden about a million ghosts from the closet of my past came swooping out. things i had forgotten, things i want to forget, things that cut to the core of my soul were all staring me in the face. it was then that i realized exactly WHY i keep my journals shoved in a box in my closet where it's hard to reach.

the sweet thing is, mostly the words that brought me to tears were verses people had given me, or notes people had written me. and i could see a pattern of God's goodness, and His hand over my life. granted, it doesn't feel good- quite the contrary. it FEELS hurtful, and confusing- but i can SEE the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (that's me!), i just don't always FEEL it. it was hard to pick which entries i am going to share with the girls tonight- they're so personal, and only a miniscule glimpse into my whole heart.

i called, and met with two dear souls in my life who prayed God's power over me. i have faith that God will use tonight in an astounding way- maybe not in the lives of the girls, but definately in my own heart. my dream is that it will inspire, enlighten, help heal, or comfort one of them- but i leave that in my Savior's hands...

Never Know

you just never know what can happen in a day...

broken freezers to
training new people to
buying a plane ticket to
having a car break down to
seeing a chiropractor to
getting a nice long walk in to
getting a car fixed to
riding in the car with three sweet girls to
going to a moving book study to
seeing God reflected through beautiful young women to
going grocery shopping late at night to
walking in the rain to
getting ready for the next day to
reading a sweet note written to you to
having a dear friend give a ride to
trusting God completely to

knowing it starts all over again in just a few hours...

you just never know what can happen in a day....

High Heels

there is something powerful about a woman in high heels.

B

blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.

Tonight

i am feeling something tonight.

it's hard to define what is going on in my heart. i, of course, am the only one constantly in-tune with the workings of my heart and soul- but tonight, i just can't quite put my finger on it.

i spent the evening with a load of friends- every single friend there was married, engaged, or about to be. my response? i dunno. i didn't feel out-of-place, i didn't feel left out, i didn't feel like the odd one out. this could be because these are the people i am around the most, and so i am accustomed to being the only partner-less person. maybe it's because i have a lot going on in my mind and spirit, and so i don't have the strength to be bothered by my alone-ness. part of it is because these people are family to me here in mn, and our relational status doesn't change the way we all love each other.

it's definately weird to be the only one with no one, with no chance of meeting some one. but, if i ever find someone, i don't want to look back and say, "i wish i had been content back then..." or whatever. i don't want regrets. i want to do a lot of things right now- because right now is my life. i don't want to live my life for the future- i want to live my life for this moment. unfortuneately, that's not the way i roll. it's just not.

i want answers. i want reasons. i want security. i want healing. i want love. i want to be wanted. i long. i yearn. i ache. i wonder....

and i think, as i drive home by myself- climb out of my car alone, walk the creepy path to my back door in fear, and finally make it inside- well, i think it would be wonderful to not be alone. but, at the end of every day, as i lay in bed between wakefullness and sleep, what really haunts me the most is will my dreams ever come true, or is it all a lie?

Life

i could feel life racing through my blood last night as lisa and i co-lead our first captivating study. God's power and presence was felt by both of us all day long. we were cool, calm, and collected, even in the midst of potentially stressful situations. people were praying for us- and we could sense it.
we had 8 precious girls come- and they were vibrant, beautiful, ready to learn, and even a little scared. i, as well, am a little scared heading into this. studying a book like this takes one's heart and soul to depths that are usually locked up. but, we are ready to fight forward together- learning, growing, talking, sharing, laughing, and loving together!
i left feeling happy- just full of life. my heart hasn't felt this alive in months. i'm beyond excited at what the next 7 weeks will hold.
i love those girls already- they are beautiful! their hearts are just sweet and i am honored to be God's chosen one to journey with them.

Noon

i slept til noon. i don't think i've done that since college. normally i'd be ticked that i wasted half of my only day off, but not today. i hardly slept all week- and i needed the rest desperately. sunday is the best day of the week, hands down. i get to rest all day (as what it was intended for, thank you God!) and then go to be with my church tonight. a day of rest...ah....

Embark

i love that word, embark. who knows if i'm spelling it right? but, i am truly about to embark on a journey with a dear friend. this journey is bigger then myself, it is completely ordained by God, and i think most of all, it is a gift to me! a true gift from God. God is literally saving me through this endeavor. i am overwhelmed with joy and happiness and excitement to experience what the next 6 or 7 weeks will hold. i know that i will not be the same woman, come september- and that, that is God. i feel saved. that's the best way to describe how i feel: God has saved me.

Sleeping Bags

i don't know how to make sleeping bags, i don't know how to dribble a ball...but i am so inspired by those who do! last night i heard stories of two different individuals who are making a difference in their world. in MY world. in YOUR world. not only that, but they are making a difference in the lives of the needy- the poor, the hungry, the sick, the homeless. the people that Jesus loved with no reservations. i was so inspired by hearing about these people, that i had to hear it from their own mouths. (you can, too, if you want. just go to consumed's website, and listen to the two most recent interviews) the inspiration continues.

it makes me think, and think hard. i'm already on a journey of "what of my life? what am i supposed to do? i want to be valuable. i want to make a difference." i'm really struggling with the HOW. i love being motivated by how other people are living their lives. i think it is how i am inspired the most. real people doing real things- these people are no more gifted or special then i am, they have just made different choices. well, it's time i made different choices as well.

i'm overwhelmed. i don't know where to go from here.

one dream of mine is to write a book. and i am in the process, actually. it's just slow-moving. i was reminded by friends of mine over a fire and smore's last week of my baby- my book. it's something i can not get off my heart. something i can not get off my mind. i want to finish the book- finish God's story- and share it with the world. maybe i'll get to speak. maybe i'll get to talk to people about what God has done in me. if my story- my book- will help heal another person's heart, then that is more then enough reason to get her done.

compliments

i received three random compliments today- two from people i don't even know, and two that were said of me behind my back. compliments are priceless.

my love

i miss my drums. i really miss them....
it's time.

wish

i wish that wishes existed.
i wish that i could wish and my wishes would come true.
it would be very hard to pick three wishes.
although, narrowing the topic down to only selfish wishes would make it a lot easier to decide.
if i had three selfish wishes, i think i know what i'd wish for.
aladdin didn't know how good he had it. he really didn't.
maybe, tomorrow when i wake up, there will be a genie in a bottle next to my bed.

Collapse

i watched a man almost die today- for all i know, he might even be dead. i'll never know, but what i witnessed, i'll never forget.

i am a big fanatic of hospital drama shows (i.e. House, ER, etc.). watching trauma happen live is a whole other scene. i was cheering on my friends who ran a half marathon today- and once they finished we went to the food tent. on our way back, we hear on the loud speaker that there is an immediate need for the EMT's. i thought, "oh! that probably would have been me- with my torn muscle!" then i thought, "some one is probably dehydrated". when we got closer to the scene- a man had collapsed on the ground, after completing the half marathon.

i was eating a granola bar, and stopped right where i was, absolutely frozen. i couldn't take my eyes of the guy. his legs, and running shoes were all i could see. there was a woman (friend? girl friend? finance? wife?) who was also wearing a number- indicating she had run the race, too, standing off to the side crying, and weeping, "no! no!" with her hands holding her face in place- she never took her eyes off the guy.

i watched the EMT's do real deal CPR- i was stunned. i couldn't believe it was happening for real. then, i watched them take out the dephibulator and shock his chest. it was horrifying. simpy horrible. i was shaking, still frozen in the same position, and i began to pray!

finally, i heard jamie say, "he's breathing. i see his chest moving. see?" i couldn't see the guy's chest- but i was relieved to hear it. they put the guy on a stretchor, covered him with a white sheet, and i finally saw his face. his head was cocked to the side, eyes closed, and he wasn't moving. i kept staring at his running shoes. he trained, he ran, he fought, he finished...who would have ever thought his heart (or anyone's heart!) would just stop at the end of the race.

it could have been me. i was supposed to have been running that race. it could have been me. i can't get that guy out of my head- it's been constantly on my mind all day. i will never be able to find out what happened to him, and if he's OK or not. i pray, but i guess i'll never know the outcome. that haunts me. i want him to be OK.

it could have been me.

Power!

if you're reading this- thank you!

just want to ask you to please pray for my leg! i have had a pulled muscle for over a week now- and it's still pretty painful, even just when i am walking. i am on my feet all day at work- constantly running around. i wouldn't mind so much, but my HALF MARATHON is on saturday- this saturday, june 2. like in a few days from now. i have been training for this race since the fall. needless to say, i have put my whole heart into this training. i can't imagine not running on saturday-

so i am asking if you would please pray for God to heal my leg! i am pretty much freaking out at this point- i'll keep ya posted!

Events

it's been a rather eventful week. not one of those "ohmygosh. so much is going on, i'm so excited!" weeks, but more like- an odd chain of events that i would never have expected to come about since last week.

i got offered an amazing job, with amazing opportunities, was super excited about it, thought i was going to quit my job- and the next thing i know, i can't take it. the job couldn't work out for me because of pay and insurance. i was super disappointed. when i finally told my future bosses that i couldn't take it, i ended up feeling relieved. it made me feel like- yes, there is hope out there for me, and God has it waiting just around the corner.

this situation awakened me to new things at my current job. i think i am going to make some pretty significant changes to my current situation that will really shock some people. i am anxious about this, but am going to continue to pray about it until monday. then we'll see. i am thankful for my job. God has taken care of me by using a truly wonderful company. for that, i am grateful.

there is one mystery in my life that is driving me nuts, but alas- there is nothing i can do. it remains hidden, locked up, maybe never to be discovered- but i will be OK with that. again, i fully trust God's dreams for me. yeah, they're bigger then my own. better then my own. i'll let mine go, if necessary. it's just hard to decipher which is my dream, and which is His- or are they the same?

i hit up PF Chang's with one of my best friends. we ate like it was our last meal. mostly, i loved it because we laughed, and laughed. we chatted the night away- and had an old, comfortable time. just like my favorite, old pair of jeans. you know the feeling.

it's good to be back in MN. it took me awhile, but i am happy. my family at The Country Inn is something i never want to take for granted. i am blessed beyond blessed.

who knows what God has up His sleeve for me, maybe even tonight?

Go Lynx! :)

Full Time Job

running, it seems, has turned into a full-time job. i never realized how time-consuming this whole running/training for a half marathon thing would be. it takes: stretching, the actual run (anywhere from 1-2 hours now!) more stretching, another shower, certain eating patterns that are hard to get the timing down, and then lots of rest is needed- but that's the part i seem to miss out on.

i miss writing. i miss drumming. i feel like i am being disloyal to these two passions as i pursue this new hobby of running more hard core. only about 5 more weeks of training, and then the race. i know it will be well worth the fight. i am really amazed at how far God has brought me through this- makes me feel like i can accomplish anything! i would recommend it to anyone- just make sure you're ready to make it your full-time job!

chipotle

what is the deal with chipotle anyways? i am trying my best to love it like most. people rave about it there, but i gotta be honest. it's icky. their meat is gross. pure GROSS. the chicken is brown and slithery, the beef is slimy and stringy, and i'll give you their steak. the steak i can handle- only it's so spicey my lips were melting off the whole time. at one point i actually started choking, and huge tears were pooled in my eyes. thank goodness it wasn't a date. plus their salsa is all chunk. no juice! i gotta have the juice, people! i can say their "fresh" brewed tea is yummy- especially with my little secret recipe that i make. but, definately NOT worth the 8 bucks. my little square needs more variety.

i am DYING for jamba juice to open- i will be singing praises then! i will also be even more broke- it'll be well worth it after my 8,9, and 10 mile runs!! sooooooooooooo yum and refreshing!

so, good-bye chipotle. i've given you a valiant effort. i'm sticking with taco bell. you can't go wrong.

Any Advice?

It’s difficult for me to write this letter, but I can’t explain why. Thoughts about what I would write have been swirling round ‘n round in my head like a Frappuccino in a blender for days now. Only, my thoughts aren’t coming out as a delicious blended coffee drink- they’re coming out as a big blob of confusion!

I have a lot of good to report. First things first- most people always want to know if there’s a boy in my life. That scores the highest on interest levels, I realize. So, let me just get to it and announce that, no, there are no boys in my life. (Oh, unless you count the married-ies, old-ies, or wouldn’t-touch-with-a-ten-foot-pole- ies.) What can ya do? Now, moving on to more important topics!

I am training for a half marathon (that would be 13.1 miles) which takes place on June 2- only 6 weeks and counting! My long runs are already up to 7 miles- let me tell you, it’s really hard work! I am astounded at God’s creation of the body. I am not a born runner, and actually don’t really even enjoy running. But, each and every run, God gives me this tremendous power to make it to my mark. It’s been an amazing bonding experience with my creator! Just so ya know- you ALL could do this, too. I certainly never thought it possible. It just goes to show- all things truly are possible through Him.

I just finished another writing class at The Loft- the largest literary center in the nation, right downtown! I loved it, and learned a lot. God also allowed me to bond with my classmates, I’m really sad that it’s over. I start working for The Loft tomorrow to pay for the class I took. I will work there once a week through June on my days off from the Bux.

Speaking of Starbucks, things there are good. My dear manager that I’ve had for a year and half resigned and took a non-profit job. It has been extremely sad for me. We were pretty close- he’s the reason I have stayed at my store for this long. My new manager is great, but “losing” Jeff has got me thinking. I made a final decision that I will not become an assistant manager. It’s definitely the logical next step in the company, as I have all the knowledge, experience, and ability to do that job. But, I have prayed about it for months, and I have a total peace that the ASM position is not for me.

My heart has always desired to be in some sort of ministry- full time, as a career. I mean, I went to BBC to get a “ministry degree”, but now that I’m out in the “world” I feel as if this type of position doesn’t exist for single women. My heart longs to serve in this way, but it feels pretty hopeless right now. I feel destined to be stuck at Starbucks for the rest of my life- always scraping by to make a living. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy- the people I work with are fabulous- it’s just not what my heart desires at all.

So, where does this leave me? Longing, wondering, confused, lost, a little sad, and really wanting help! What’s my next step? Good question, I have no answers! If you have any advice, let me know! I want to do what God wants, it just doesn’t seem like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel of latte’s.

Alright, well- it’s time to clean the 7 miles off my body! Thanks for listening, it really means a lot!

A New Land

i went to another world this weekend- a sweet, little town in good 'ol south dakota! now, i come from a family with a lot of relatives residing in tiny town iowa, but this was nothing compared to that! i was left astounded by the seclusion of the town we were in. it was beautiful- literal rolling hills, green lands, and the sky went on for miles and miles. i found myself just staring (probably gapping mouthed) out the window in awe of the world we had ventured into.

the reason? dan and heidi's wedding. a simply beautiful day- a beautiful wedding- a radiant bride AND radiant groom. the depth of love they have for God and they have for each other was shinning brighter then even the sun. i've been around them for a year, watched their love for each other grow with each passing week, but their wedding. wow. you could almost touch their love, it felf that tangible. to call the day a blessing would be shorting it of the tremendous value it heald. still holds. and will forever hold.

100

my last post was my 100th post! i had no idea- i missed my chance for a celebration post. thus, i am going to celebrate my 101st post! hhmmm...i got nothin'.

i'll tell you this: i am very happy! i live a quite happy life- all thanks to God. the only downside is, lately i have been more-then-tired. so tired, i have been driven to naps (which i RARELY take), and freak-out-ish situations. they say you can survive longer without water then you can without sleep. i believe it.

BIZARRE!

so i've been knocked out twice in the past week. that can't be good for me. i'm still arguing in my mind whether i was really knocked or, or not- but the fact that my memory is non-existant during both episodes, leads me to believe i blacked out for a second or two. it doesn't really matter if i was conscience the whole time or not. the point is, i've been knocked down to the ground twice as of late! what the heck?

exhibit A- a football game, touch football mind you. i was instructed by the QB (the names are being left out to protect the identities of the individuals at fault) to yell "blitz!" and charge the opponent. so, as a good little team member, i set myself to charge the guy- hear "hike!" and i run- full force- towards him. per instructions i also yelled, "bli...." and the next thing i know my body is pumled (this is the part i can't recall!)- and all of the sudden i am laying FLAT on my back in the dirt. the weird thing is, although this was quite painful, i started cracking up! then tears kept coming (although i was not crying!) and i just kept having to wipe them away.

over the next several hours, the pain in my body began to sink in and i have been sore ever since. (almost a week ago!) how bizzarre!

exibit B- i am at work, as usual. i see "grande soy wet cap" comin' towards me, and i KNOW he's gonna ask me to turn down the music. (this irritates me more then i can express- he comes in almost every day, and EVERY day asks us to turn the music down so low, it can not be heard. it leaves the store void of any music- which makes it horribly boring and irritating!) so i see him coming and to avoid hearing his words, "can ya turn the music down?" (i'm using my imitating voice for those of you who know it) i rush towards the back room to turn it down before he can ask me. i hold up my hand (as i'm moving to the back room) and say, "i'm gonna..." and WHAM! the swinging back room door clunks me right in the face- smack in between my eyes and my foreheard. again- memory is gone during this time- the next thing i know, i'm FLAT on my back on the ground. and again, i start cracking up, and the tears start coming, although again, i am not crying. the goose egg balloons up, and now i am stuck with a bruise on my face but thankfully it can't be seen, really.

HOW BIZARRE.

Rays

i woke up this morning completely hungry to feast on anything God had to tell me! i keep a Bible next to my bed, with a journal of course, and so i rolled over, grabbed my Bible and just opened it up- the pages fell open to the amazing book of Titus. i just poured over what Titus was telling me, as a woman. it's pretty concise, clear, and something God wanted to tell me. i loved every minute of it. there i was, all cozy in my bed, the warm spring sun shining through my window and God speaking His Words of Truth over me.

if you hadn't known my struggles for the past little while, then this wouldn't mean much to you. but, coming from a place of a cold, yet desert heart, this morning felt like a major milestone. God can break down walls, He can warm hearts- and He is softening mine.

it feels good. really good to be in a place where God is speaking to my heart, i am listening, and something is going to happen...

it feels really good to soak in the rays of His love, when so many times i hide in the darkness for fear that the rays of His love are going to burn me. but they never do- His rays of love only pour over me, giving me a golden glow that is absolutely, unmistakably of Him.

See Ya Later

i had to say good-bye to a friend this week. it was downrighht sad. i abhor saying "good-bye" to people. usually, i avoid it like the plague. i somehow manuever my schedule so that "i didn't get to say good-bye"! it's awkward. there are no words to say, and it's a miserable time. this week- i had to face the inevitable- the good-bye. as always, i felt like an idiot standing there, feeling sad, excited for him, but bummed for me...and there just wasn't anything left to say. i knew he was coming in for the last time, and i kept thinking about it. my stomach started to hurt, and i got all shaky. i'm a dork, but i feel for people. he's meant a lot to me, and how do you sum it all up during that one moment of good-bye? well, you don't. i, in turn, do not actually say "good-bye" to people, but rather, "see ya later!". so- see ya later friend! until next time...

5 Miles

i made it up to 5 miles today! i can hardly believe it. all my life i have stated that, "i am not a runner", but i just proved myself wrong today. and actually, i've been proving myself wrong for the past several months. running does not come naturally to me- but i am learning to love it, and i am getting better and better every week! i could have kept going today, my body felt great! wow- i am just amazed at my body's abilities! i have a feeling my mom was praying for me- and God worked! i had an awesome run, and i am in awe of His power in creation of human beings! a lot can happen when you have self-discipline, self-control, and work hard! it's truly amazing...

you thought you knew it all...

when i was in 4th grade, i played the recorder.
i wore braces because i had a wicked bad snaggle tooth.
i don't actually like plain, black coffee- even though i am a coffee master. (lots of flavored cream, please!)
my weaknesses are: chocolate, cookies, and pizza
i am becoming a morning person, i actually enjoy getting up early (so i can have the whole day!).
i am afraid of living life alone.
i am afraid of growing old and dying alone with no husband and no children.
i have always wanted a professional massage.
i used to live outside when i was little: climbing trees, swimming, riding my bike, and i LOVED roller skating.
i hated when my mom told me to wear a little blush when i was in a wedding once.
i did not want to grow up- i hated anything that had to do with "becoming a woman".
i crashed a mo-ped with my best friend on the back- we both got really bad scrapes.
i am afraid of not being loved for who i am.
i have always wanted to live in the south, and almost did- twice.
i used to work out almost 2 hours every day.
i could eat crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwhiches (on wheat) every day for the rest of my life and still love them.
i don't think i have ever missed a homework assignment.
i have been to disney world twice.
boys don't make any sense to me, and i find myself quite confused on what to do about this- it occupies my mind a lot.
i think i have partial ADD.
i am constantly daydreaming, or writing a book in my head. it's super hard for me to pay attention.
i can multiply and divide in my head, but can't add or subtract in my head.

there. i feel much better now.

They Came!

tonight was my first ever "perfomance/reading" of a piece of my writing. i was pretty dang nervous to get up in front of a public audience, and essentially bare my soul to them. when i write, i spill my heart on the page, and to share that with the world is down right scary. so there i was, up at the podium, bright lights shining in my eyes, and i could feel myself grinning at what i wrote. i was so happy to be sharing my love- my passion- with people who want to listen! astonishing!

i had an entire row of friends cheering me on. thank you, friends. to all of you special ones in my life: thank you to :swzy, boogsie, chuck, lisa, heidi, and dan. it meant the world to me to have an entire row of people who love me supporting me as i shared my heart. i had the most fans, i'm proud to say! you all came, and i am so touched. thank you and thank you!

a cute older man from my class read tonight, too. he made sure to introduce me to his wife- it was adorable! i then proceeded to introduce him to my entire row of friends. :)

i loved showing off The Loft to every one. i felt like i was at "back to school" night. i'm just super blessed to be so loved, so supported, and in a place where i am pursuing my passion and truly living.

praise God!

Totally Freaked!



i barely even know what day it is. my week has been a blur. on tuesday morning, at 8:30 am (God's first, of many, blessings to come- i thank Him i wasn't opening that morning!) i waltzed out to my prized, sweet little red jeep liberty. i opened the door to get in, and i saw a book of cd's and a cd case on my seat. this began the confusion! i don't exactly remember how it all came together in my mind, but i noticed the glove box was open, papers were strone about, and i kept thinking, "why are all these things out of place?" if you know me at all- you know that my car is always neat, and everything has its place. then all at once, i noticed my back seat (above) and the pile of glass. that really confused me...until i looked up, and saw the shattered window (below). if you look closely, you can see that the window is spidered all the way up to the top. (the entire window)





that's when i whipped my head back to the front and finally began to comprehend things. there was a massive gapping hole where my cd player used to be. the part around the cd player was hanging down as well, as you can see in the picture. (below) i was so shocked. completely at a loss as to what to do, who to call, how to handle the whole thing. at some point, i started shaking, but God kept me cool, calm, and collected!


thus began the ridiculous week of thousands of phone calls to my million insurance agents, the glass company, circuit city, the police, my landlord, my work, jeep, etc,etc. i really did feel like a chicken with my head cut off, as cliche as that is. through it all, my insurance company paid for the glass, and i am stuck with the rest! praise God they're covering that. another blessing is that the circuit city guy broke off my atena (which had previously gotten bent in the car wash!) so he is fixing it for me for free! yeah! also, my landlord gave me a garage for free, so now my baby has her own place of safety. i still have one more part to get fixed, and my manager at work is helping me to find the part through a junk yard so it will be cheaper then going through jeep! the tiny plastic piece is supposed to cost me $260- just for a tiny piece! we'll see what happends.
the funny thing is- my favorite cd was in the player- my AG Silver cd! of all my cd's i would not have wanted to be stolen, that was the one! ha! what are the odds?! a couple days later, i looked in the little arm rest thing and noticed that two books of cd's were stolen as well. they were all burned cd's from amber in college- all sentimental cd's. also, my high school cd's, like soundtracks and old school mariah. they all meant a lot to me- but, in the end, it's just stuff.
anyway, i've been totally freaked this week. every little noise is scary. walking out to my car is completely scary, but God has been taking good care of me. i heard in a movie the other night that God tells us not to fear 365 times in the Bible, so He must mean we really shouldn't fear! i am working on it!
slowly, but surely, my head is growing back- and i am coming out of this week an even better woman then before. God has been leading me, showing me things, and- well, i am thankful. i truly am!

ah girls...

there is a dude at work who is constantly mocking me because "so many people" love me. sometimes i think he's making fun of me, and sometimes i think he thinks it's weird, and sometimes i think he's envious.
it's true though- i am just engulfed, really, by people who love me. i have so many people who are near and dear to me. i am ridiculed for having multiple "best friends", but God has placed so many special people in my life and friends who have made such an impact on my life, that i can't possibly narrow it down.
tonight, i am just in awe of the God-sent women in my life. sisters, really. women who have stuck it out with me- through the muck and mire, through the silver and gold, through the rough and ragged, through the sparkles and glitter- i am loved just the way i am. for me, nothing more- nothing less. i don't think there's a better gift that God could bestow upon me. the gift of surrounding me with His love, and His love with such enormity through others in my life. i am more then blessed, more then grateful- tonight i just want to express my sheer gratitude and thankfulness to the magical girls in my life...

Totally Stoked!


so my new favorite band is coming to our very own St. Paul- macalester college next wed. night the 28th at 8 pm. yeah, AG Silver! i personally can not wait, and i know several others are in the same boat as me. although, i must say i'm a bit disappointed that it's only half of their band...but it'll still be a sweet show, i'm sure! for those of you who care (you know who you are) this is what i believe you like to call an "indie" band, and no- they're not from india. so come on friends- (and i am talking to more then just lisa!) it'll be a rockin' good time.

oops!

sorry about that...i actually had 16 "loves" and didn't know it!! i think i fixed things to my liking now. please try to leave a comment and see if it lets you without my approval...more to come. i am going to class, had drums last night, and that ALWAYS leaves me with a TON to say!

where's the love?

"where's the love? it's not enough!" anyone? anyone out there remember that Hanson cd? you know- from "the middle of nowhere" album. it also hosted that oh-so-amazing "mmmmmbop song."
so i've gone for three blogs in a row now with ZERO comments. not 1. so i ask, where's the love people??
i went outside today, and thought i was in Heaven. THE WEATHER IS WARM! i almost died. i can not adequately express my joy and delight at such a gift. it brings such happiness to my heart that i can not explain.
the sad thing is: it was 30 degrees and i could still see my breath. what has happened to me that i believe still freezing temperatures to be WARM?! oh well- i don't care. i'll take it!

This Is Love

rejected.
I have searched you and I know you.
rejected.
you are wonderful.
rejected.
I created your inmost being.
rejected.
I have arranged you in The Body just where I want you.
rejected.
this is love.
rejected.
not that you loved me.
rejected.
but that I love you.
rejected.
daughter, you are loved.
rejected.
daughter, you are valuable.
rejected.
daughter, you are treasured.
rejected.
daughter, I cherish you.
rejected.
perfect love casts out fear.
rejected.
you are beautiful.
rejected.
daughter, I love you!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

oh happy valentines day to everyone! i love this holiday. ahhh...a day to celebrate the people you love- give gifts, get gifts (whoo-hoo!:) and share your heart with anyone that you encounter. all day at starbucks this morning, people kept telling me, "happy valentines day"! so sweet! the first thing my fellow opening "partner" said to me this morning was, "happy valentines day!"- at 6:30 am, that's especially sweet. it made my morning. i just don't recall the "world" around me caring all that much about this special day, but today, they cared. i got to make up adorable little cupcake packs for people, and it's so fun to give them out. there's just something about a cupcake...

ahhh...i have such sweet memories from valentines days gone by- the best being from my "forever valentine". one of my dearest friends since i was like 15. i am blessed.

so, today- if you're reading this: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! i probably love you, and i'd probably want you to know. :)

what to do?

i am writing mostly because i am really sick of my last blog entry! i had to write a new one. the depth of my thoughts are so deep right now, it leaves me with really nothing to say. too much going on, and no words to describe it all...

Notting Hill

is thee best soundtrack ever. hands down, my favorite. it was the cd that one of my best friends and i listened to over and over and over on vacation one summer. we were so missing our boys who were not with us at the beach. looking back, it was quite silly of us, but that's what you do when you're young. and it's the best feeling ever. being with a best friend- at the beach, talking about the boys, speculating about them, about our future, always day dreaming and scheeming. back then, things were...what were they? innocent. naiive. i miss those days. i miss my friend. life has a way of changing things- i miss the innocense of my 17-year-old heart.

i listen to that same soundtrack tonight- i am older. wiser. smarter. i have lived a lot since then. i certainly don't want to be 17 again, but it's nice to visit. back then, i had the world at my fingertips- and ya know what? i still do.