i can't get my thoughts in gear. i've started to blog about 3 times now, and ended up deleting the posts. i don't know what my deal is. there are many things swimming through my thoughts, soul, and heart. i think what it comes down to is i've been reserving my heart for one of my journals lately. i guess i am going through a more private journey right now. no offense to faithful readers- i love you all. :) i'm in a blog funk, but wanted to at least give a shout out!

i'm off to my happy place- in bed with my journal, fan blazing in the background on this warm summer evening....


i don't know when it happened- but it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. somewhere during the past little while (quite vague, i know!) God has been teaching my heart to live FOR today, live IN today, and LOVE today. that means gone are the days i am living for what's next. gone are the days i am living for the future. gone are the days i am living for what i thought my life was supposed to be.

that doesn't mean i am giving up my dreams- in fact, it has helped me realize that i AM living some of my dreams already, and i wasn't even aware of it. i have been so blinded by my pre-conceived notions about my life, and where it "should" be that i have missed so many days of the HERE and NOW. today is a great day! and i mean that. even the past several gloomy, rainy, yucky days have been great. and it's not been about my circumstances- no! it's been about my heart.

God's powerful work in my heart- sweetly whispering to me that i am special. that my life is really special. that my heart is a treasure- and He dwells there. God has been tenderly showing me that He has created me for an irreplaceable role, and i am currently living it out! in so many ways, too. not just my job- although that is one! not just my writing- although that is one! not just my church- although that is one! and the list continues.

God is moving me in the direction of taking on an assistant manager position at starbucks. people have been surprised by this move- but only because i have been so against it in the past. i am finally coming to terms with things in my life- it's ok if i'm not doing what i "always thought i was supposed to do". God has me at a great company! God has me doing something that i, in fact, love doing. i've been fighting against my job for the past couple years because i thought i was worthless for being there. i thought i was not doing what i was supposed to be doing. i thought i was missing out on something bigger and better. i was trying to figure out what God wanted me to do- assuming it wasn't starbucks. and it's like all of the sudden, a light pops on (thank you daddy!) and i realize, "oh my soul. wait a minute. could it be that starbucks IS what God wants me to be doing?" i have been trying to figure it out for so long- and here it is, plain and simple. i AM doing what God wants! what a freaking relief!! what freaking freedom has burst forth from my heart! i am so happy!

and so it is. i am pursuing this ASM positiong- whole-heartedly, working it at with all my strength because i know this is what God is calling me to for this day. for this season.

seize the day.

New Heights

i've reached new heights today. i'm quite proud of myself, actually. i am sitting here on a rainy, cold, dreary sunday in my sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt. still freezing to death, i thought to myself, "i want a cup of coffee". and there it is folks. just me- all by myself wanting my own cup of coffee. i can hear it brewing in my little kitchen, and it makes me feel so cozy and warm already just listening to that steam acomin'. i am going to pick a special mug and sip til my hearts content. the aroma, the warmth, the feeling- it's a funny world that i have delved into- this coffee world. oh- it's beeping, it's done. my first, very OWN pot of coffee is ready and waiting for ME!

They're Literally Stalking Me

i can't sleep. my skin is crawling. i itch everywhere. i feel tingly sensations all over my body. even my own shadow makes me jump.

it all started about 2 weeks ago. one morning, around 6 freaking a.m., i went out to my little garage- which i use to protect me from villans, mind you- and there in the corner was this huge, and i mean huge- spider. i think it's safe to call him a tarantula. i freaked. there is no way i can walk to my car door without walking by the stinkin' beast. he haunts me every time i get in my car, every time i close the garage door, and every time i pull my car back in. this has been going on for days. DAYS! a lot of times- it's the first thought in my head when my alarm goes off. "ugh. that spider is waiting for me in the garage..." and it REALLY disturbs me. i think about him throughout my day- and a lot of times i itch, or slap at myself, thinking a spider is on me.

so then comes last night. i pull in the garage, get out, shut my garage door, and WHAM. there he is- right in front of me. normally i find comfort when i look at the beast and he's scrambling around in his web- at least i know he's not scrambling free. but this time- oh no! he was sitting right by my foot. i FKEAKED. i might have screamed. at any rate, i took off a flip flop and tried to KILL it once and for all! the freak disappeared! so i became frozen! where on earth would he have gone?! then, he REappears. TOTALLY playing games with me. by this time, i'm getting ticked off at the freak. so i rip off my other flip flop and go to KILL it again- and AGAIN he disappears. WHAT THE HECK?! so then- i'm convinced he must be on my person somehow. where else could he have gone?

i called swzy, and immediately asked, "WHERE ARE YOU?" thank God she was only two minutes down the road, so i stood there- shoeless, surrounded by my flip flops- frozen in fear. once she arrived, she analyzed the siutation- rescued my flops, closed my garage door- and walked me back inside where we continue on with our evening.

awhile later, i am leisurely lying on my bed, in the peace and comfort of my own room chatting away with a friend on the phone when all of the sudden- low and behold- OUT SCURRIES THE BEAST! the freaking tarantula crawled out of my sheets, scrambled ACROSS MY PILLOW and down to the depths of who knows where! i SCREAMED in a panic- jumped off my bed- and froze in the middle of my room. my poor friend on the other end of the line thought i had lost it.

swz slowly but surely makes it back into my room- searches above and below my bed and can't find the thing. to my horror- she turns to me and says, and i quote, "do you have your contacts in?" i could kill her. she's literally accusing me of SEEING THINGS! or in this case, NOT seeing things. of COURSE i had my contacts in! of COUSE i saw that freak crawl out of the depths of my peaceful bed and defile my beautiful pillow.

i proceeded to drag blankets from my hallway closet (NOT my bedroom) and i slept on the floor in the living room.

so, that brings us to today. i was convinced last night that the my spider enemy in the corner of my garage had attached itself, or hitched a ride in the cuff of my capri's and entered my home and that's how he ended up in my bed. well, when i got out to the dreaded garage this morning- oh! there he was. in the web in the corner.

thus, i am convinced that multitudes of tarantula's are out to get me. it's a conspiracy for sure. i'm convinced of it. i can no longer enter my room without freaking out in fear.

low and behold, i'm standing in my room tonight- talking with swz, trying to figure out what on earth to do to find this beast- and there he is in the corner of my wall- RIGHT ABOVE WHERE MY HEAD WOULD BE! so, i did what i can't help doing and SCREAMED and ran from the room- SHOVING swz towards that very wall in the process. i kept screaming at her to make SURE she got it- to make SURE she killed it on the first try, so the beast wouldn't get away- completely out of our site again.

i'm yelling this from our living room- when oh! what do i hear? but SWZY screaming! he JUMPED at her, and zoomed out of site. the beast lives on- in my bedroom- in my bed for crying out loud. my safe haven has been corrupted.

i have resigned myself to sleeping in the living room for the rest of my life. i truly believe they're after me- all of them. the one has taken over my garage, another my bedroom...what's next? it's a conspiracy, i tell you. they're after me.