too much

there is too much to say, and not enough words to say it with.

My Jesus

this year, i think more then any other year, i have profoundly learned more about Christmas then i ever have before. it's been a process of one thing after another this season- and i think it all started to come together last night (eve) and today (christmas day). there are many ideas/wonders/thoughts/ponderings making their entrance into my beliefs.

i woke up this morning so thankful for Jesus and His life on earth that i laid in bed, overcome with emotion over what He did for me. He came to this little world of mine to show me how to live. He did it, and that means i can, too. (thanks dan.) He loves me that much.

this all makes me really, really happy.

merry christmas to all. my love to you.

happy birthday, Jesus...

freedom to direction

a part of my heart is hurting tonight. it's strange, really. i had to say my final good-bye to my beloved, red, jeep liberty. anyone who knows me at all pretty much realizes the depth of my love for this vehicle. i don't think most people understand this. i loved my car. really loved. it meant so much to me for so many different reasons. liberty is freedom from control- and in a sense, when i bought my first SUV it indeed represented to me freedom from control. freedom from a lot of things. my dad and i went together and he walked with me through the process of buying a car. we bonded in such a special way during that time. i will never forget that as long as i live. just me, and dad. i ended up driving my liberty from pa to mn when i moved. my liberty has always been a piece of home for me. i waited over a year to get mn plates. my liberty was a connection to my family, to my home, to my heart. yet, i was freed from the control of so many things in my life those few years ago.

today i said good-bye to my jeep liberty, but i said hello to my new jeep compass. it's interesting because a compass is an instrument for determing direction. so much in my life is up-in-the-air at this point. a lot is yet to be determined. yet to be directed. and so i embrace the jeep compass, knowing that just as God used the liberty to free me from control, He will also use the compass to determine direction for me. and there is certainly a lot of direction to be had.

i drove away from the dealer tonight, at peace with the decision i made, at rest that it was the right buy for me. but, i feel as if i left a part of my heart in the parking lot. for as i turned to glance behind me, to get one last look at my little red liberty, i couldn't help but feel sadness. the tears poured freely as i drove away. a part of me feels so disloyal, but it had to be done. she was sick, and will be in a better place now. i said good-bye, and i can't look back.

so the compass begins. who knows where things will go? a new chapter of my life has begun and i am grateful, so grateful to a God who will continue to guide and direct me every step of the way.

good-bye my little red jeep liberty....


i can't fathom christmas. there is too much going on at one time to really get it all. i can't understand that christmas is this tuesday.

i just found out that this year (as we party with my mom's side) my family will be celebrating christmas two days later at a mexican restaurant. my great grandfather and great grandmother owned a restaraunt (apparently she made the best pies ever made!) and that building is now a mexican restaurant. that is where the food eating festivities will happen- followed by "gag gifts" at one my my aunt and unlce's houses. this side of the fam is not so much into "normal" traditions. i like this. i like my family. i can't wait to get to my grandma's! that is the one place you never have to doubt the pluthera of mountain dew and m 'n m's.

i am really diggin' the mexican restautant thing. i feel so nastalgic being in the building where my great grandparents used to cook and serve and where my grandma grew up and where her and my grandpa would share a booth. i have a black and white picture of them sharing a booth. it's my favorite.

family is my favorite.

oh, and i have no idea how to spell restaurant.

i miss my finger

i do quite miss my finger. i can't really type very well, so i will not be writing a very lengthy post. writing is my outlet, and "missing" a finger really hinders that endeavor. even using a pen or fork is weird. it's interesting being injured for a day or two- crazy stories to tell, some thing creepy to constantly evaluate, etc. i've grown weary of it though. it's making every day living more difficult and i don't rather like it. i imagine i still have an ordeal to go through before it's all said and done. i won't describe that ordeal as it's rather gross. the body is a mystery to me. i'm oh-so fascinated by God's creation of it. poor finger- i feel bad for you.

table time

i have sorely, sorely missed table time. i didn't realize the extent of how MUCH i missed table time until i experienced table time again in the flesh tonight. it has been too, too long. i love you table time.


"It's not who you knew, or what you's how you lived."

i just want to be the best version of me i can possibly be.

spider woman

i can't escape the arachnoids. i knew they were stalking me, and i was right.

i woke up in the night the other night with a pain in my thigh. i thought, "oh brother. another bruise from work." this happends all the time. i rolled onto my other side and moved on with my sleep.

the next morning as i was preparing for my day, something on my thigh caught my eye. i leaned in closer to examine and what do i see? some sort of knot/welt with a perfect red circle outlining it. it was about the size of an oreo cookie. ish.

i carried on with my day- no big deal. the next day, it was still annoying me. i could feel it when i moved...just like a bruise. i complained to a co-worker (i have this thing about feeling the need to express injuries, illnesses,bodily functions, etc. ) and she instantly freaked. she told me i should go to the doctor in case it was a spider bite.


it had been in the back of my mind all along, but i had refused to go there. i called my aunt, who is a nurse, and long story short ended up at urgent care.

since i am not at liberty to express the circumstances to which i had to live...let me just say they gave me some drugs (YEAH!) and we're hoping for the best. it's not too comforting when the doctor says, "hhhmmm...that is odd...i haven't seen this..." and traces my said spider bite with a pen.

now i'm creeped and get all itchy when i climb into my bed. it's not "sleeping-in-the-living room- worthy", but still creepy. when and where could i have possibly been attacked?

i think the poison crept up to my throat, because today i woke up with no voice...

what a weird-o week.

my dad says now i can be spider woman. hardy har har.

i suppose if i get to kiss a hot guy up-side-down then it might not be that bad...

my red coat

for as long as i can remember, we've been best friends. i'm not sure when my mom turned into my friend...but it happened. we became more then mother-daughter. mom and i talk about every thing under the sun. she knows me, and understands me more then any one else in this entire universe. our bond is so strong, and we know each other so well that we can almost never keep secrets from each other.

today i got a package. the slip arrived yesterday informing me to pick up my package today some time after 6:30 am. i rolled out of bed this morning feeling quite lousy with a cold. i was drudging my way to the kitchen when i spotted the slip on our note board. instantly an excited "oh yeah!" surged throug me. i threw on a pair of old jeans, my pink boots, a hat, scarf, and puffy coat, prepared to fight the storm and get to the post office. as i was bracing the wind, the snow smacking my face, i thought, "wouldn't it be nice if my package was something warm to wear?"

i picked up my package, fought my way through the storm, back to my car, and tore it open immediately! and there it was. a new, down, warm, goose feather coat just for me! i was in awe! i had been wanting a nice warm coat for winter this year and my mother knew my need even before i did! i was so touched. so excited. so happy. so relieved. so in awe. i feel so loved.

mom. i wouldn't be who i am without her.

i thought about my new red coat all day. every time i was annoyed at work, or had moments heart would smile remembering that special gift sent just to me today...with love from my mom...