post vacation rut

i've been stuck in a post-vacation rut all week. my heart has been miserable, aching. i can not even define what it is that has plagued me to the point of sorrow. i've literally been grieving all week long. i don't think people at work could tell- i do like my job, and i enjoyed being there. but when i got home, i mourned. i layed around on the couch a lot, watched a lot of gilmore girls (because going to stars hollow is going to such a happy place!) and drank A LOT, and mean A LOT of mountain dew. it's my accilese (sp?!) heel, what can i say. i could not be around people, and no desire to be. i simply just had to mourn.

mainly, i think all of this is because my vacation was, indeed, so incredibly amazing. i was with every member of my family- all at the same time. we were together. i could cry even now just thinking about it. when i go back east, am reunited with my dear family, and then have to return to MN, i am always plagued with "why am i living in MN?!" it's truely strange.

but today, well today was of God. He used a friend to help get me out of my depressing funk. and He lead me to hear a message that my heart so desperately needed to hear. i was preciously reminded of the intimacy i have with my God. it's mine for the taking. it's at my finger tips, and i can be there any time i want. He is always opening His arms to me, inviting me in. inviting me to our oasis, our "sanctum"....

and i just got called into work. but, He's with me there, too...guess that's all for now...

not for a bit

there is an ASM position open for my store- but i am not allowed to apply for it. oh well. i'm fine with this. the higher ups say i have to grow more and work more on my development plan. i'm cool with that. most likely i will be transferred after christmas. i'm glad i have the stability of at least knowing what the next few months hold for me. plus, i love the MOA at christmas. i love starbucks at christmas. heck- i'm even actually looking forward to black friday at the moa. it's a thing we have. the more horrible it gets, the better we feel. it's hard to explain. i think it's the challenge, and we rise up, and conquer, and do it together. feels good. plus, a full day is over before noon since we have to arrive so early.
anyway, all that conquering stuff reminds me of my role in this whole Body of Christ thing. it's a challenge, but we rise up, and conquer, and do it together. i'm thankful for all those who are doing this together with me.


it's cold. i hate it. HATE it. this is the last you will hear me complain for the rest of this awful time of life- for the next AT LEAST 7 months you will not hear me utter these words aloud again. just know that i am miserable every waking moment of every murderous degree below 70. (and even that's pushin' it.) i am so angry about the cold it's hard to control the tears. alas, i am done complaining.

i have a super cute new fall coat. that will be fun to wear. and i'm done.


ok. for real. i am at the OBX (in NC). i am ON the beach. it's in the late 70's...and it's evening. i have my own room, with my own bathroom attached. there is a porch swing right outside my window. there is a pool, again, on the beach. as well as a hot tub. there is a game room, with a flat screen tv. there are several fridges, several washer and dryers. several decks. several bed rooms, and bathrooms, pretty much several everthing. it sleeps 22 people. the house is so big, there is an elevator. need i say more?!

AND, i am with my parents and close family friends. i could not be more happy. seriously. this has got to be Heaven on earth. seriously. i might actually have died and gone to Heaven.


it's in my blood. i have to write about Roots.

i am a bit discouraged, though, because i keep asking people if they've heard of "Roots" and i have gotten, "the band?", "what are you talking about?", "what's that about?" no people! like i said, it's in my blood to spread the word about this thing called, "Roots".

it's actually originally a book- written by a man named Alex Haley. it was then turned into a made-for-tv-movie series that was shown in the 70's.

i was given the 573 minute series on dvd- and have watched it for the past 3 days, basically non-stop. i was so enammored with it all. it's a major history lesson about haley's first descendant who was brought to america as a slave.

when bringing up the word, "slave", i hardly feel like i need to say anything more. that word is so loaded. so packed full of meaning, and horror, and....and so many things that i can not even begin to comprehend.

at times, i felt ashamed of my country. i felt ashamed of the so-called "christians" that came before me. i felt ashamed just for being white. i felt trapped for those slaves. i felt helpless. i felt suffocated. i felt horror.

and prejudice hasn't really stopped. no, we have "freedom" in america. we can say what we want, how we want, when we want...but those barriers are still there. and it's amongst all people- not just blacks or whites. it's everywhere...and i just don't understand WHY.

life is full of unanswered questions- but now, more then ever, i want to understand why it matters what the color of a person's skin is? why? a person is a person is a person. we all have hearts, souls, brains, lungs, teeth, blood- and it's all the same. so where did this whole notion of different skin colors come to be?

maybe at the tower of babel. that's my guess. i don't really know. i just don't want it apart of my life in any way.


AH HA!! finally! revenge is MINE.

i haven't done laundry since my parents left (if you don't know how long that is, i am not's way too long, and way too gross!). i finally got home today after a long week of work (praise the Lord i got overtime hours! bad for my manager- good for my wallet!). i separated all my clothes while chatting with one of my favorite friends in the world! i love multi-tasking!

i decided to take my whites down to the basement laundry room first. so there i was, minding my own business, when suddenly OUT crawls a spider. no joke! RIGHT on top of the washing machine. at this point, i am FURIOUS! i instantly think, "You've been HIDING in my dirty sheets for this long?!" AND I'M DONE WITH SPIDERS. so i went to smash it with my bottle of bleach. i didn't get him all the way, but i DID successfully break a couple of his legs. it slowed him down. so then, he's still feebly hobbling around, so i evily decided to pour bleach on him. it made him scramble into a tiny spot where it was hard to reach him. so i soaked a dryer sheet in bleach and kept hitting him with it. i wanted him to suffer. when he was out in the open- i dowsed him again with bleach- sending him to the depths below.

HA! die spider. DIE. and i hope it was a burning, slow, painful death. don't MESS.