5 Years

Chuck reminded me last night that today is my 5 year blog anniversary.  It's rather humbling to have a 5 year blog anniversary of a blog entitled "Full of Joy" on a day when I feel not-so-full-of-joy.  I want to be.  I want to have a joyful heart.  I want to choose joy in the midst of sorry because I know my hope is in Jesus.  My Savior.  Now is the time when I'm supposed to be joyous in the midst of sorrow, right?  And like I said, I want that.  I want to be that girl.

My soul seems to be at war with my brain.  The big brain vs. soul brawl of 2011.  My soul says to weep, mourn, wail, and let it rain.  My head says to get back on the horse (OK, dumb illustration because the only time I attempted to ride a horse at the tender age of 10, the stupid said horse tried to bite me.  I've never been back on a horse since.  I sat in a mini-van with the mom of the birthday girl for the entire party.).  Or at least to jump back into my normal routine.  But when my soul tries I am plagued.  Destined to stay home, which really is where I want to be.  I find relief in being in my own home, not having to face the common public.  Not yet.  I'm not ready.  It's just too much.

What I'm trying to seek God for right now is this:  God, is it OK if I take a backseat on life right now?  It is OK if I remain secluded in the safety of my happy home with my Love?  Or do I need to dive back into the reality that is my life?  Or more accurately my old life.  Life today is very, very different than it was 2 months ago.  Life as I knew it will not be the same.  Maybe I'm just not ready to face my new life.  My changed life.

What is at the top of the list of things I'm learning is that losing a baby is a looooong PROCESS.  I read that on a medical website, and wish I had been prepared sooner.  I'm still struggling physically.  Not wanting to freak out those stray few male readers, I'll omit the gory details but I'm tired of the physical toll.  Tired of the pain, tired of taking Advil like candy- when it seems to have the same effect that candy would.  Gone are the days of Percocet.  Oh sweet Percocet how I miss you.

I feel bad being a downer.  I honestly do NOT want to be the black rain cloud girl.  I just don't know how to be real and honest without coating it with sugar.  It would have to be fake sugar.  I'm reading a fabulous book "Choosing to See", written by Mary Beth Chapman.  Her husband, Steven, writes the foreword.  In it he says, He (Dan Allender) talked about how for many Christians, sorrow and pain are seldom embraced by those experiencing it but rather "often denied or swept under the spiritual rug of 'God's sovereignty'."


I am desperately trying not to sweep my sorrow and pain under a spiritual rug.  I am trying to navigate my way through the quicksand and keep my heart open to that still, small voice.