yesterday was intense. some of you were praying for me- i thank you. i went to bed feeling heavy, weighed down, overwhelmed, and basically attacked.
you see, i had planned on spending the day preparing. i am co-leading a book study on "captivating", as tonight is my night to lead the chapters. i had no idea it would turn into such a difficult ordeal.
i started out leafing through some of my old journals. i sensed God leading me to read some of them to the girls- they are all in high school- when i shared. at first i thought it might be a fun endeavor to re-read about my life, but....mmmm...some of it wasn't so much fun. i was getting so caught up in the reading, and going back down memory lane when all of the sudden about a million ghosts from the closet of my past came swooping out. things i had forgotten, things i want to forget, things that cut to the core of my soul were all staring me in the face. it was then that i realized exactly WHY i keep my journals shoved in a box in my closet where it's hard to reach.
the sweet thing is, mostly the words that brought me to tears were verses people had given me, or notes people had written me. and i could see a pattern of God's goodness, and His hand over my life. granted, it doesn't feel good- quite the contrary. it FEELS hurtful, and confusing- but i can SEE the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (that's me!), i just don't always FEEL it. it was hard to pick which entries i am going to share with the girls tonight- they're so personal, and only a miniscule glimpse into my whole heart.
i called, and met with two dear souls in my life who prayed God's power over me. i have faith that God will use tonight in an astounding way- maybe not in the lives of the girls, but definately in my own heart. my dream is that it will inspire, enlighten, help heal, or comfort one of them- but i leave that in my Savior's hands...
Never Know
you just never know what can happen in a day...
broken freezers to
training new people to
buying a plane ticket to
having a car break down to
seeing a chiropractor to
getting a nice long walk in to
getting a car fixed to
riding in the car with three sweet girls to
going to a moving book study to
seeing God reflected through beautiful young women to
going grocery shopping late at night to
walking in the rain to
getting ready for the next day to
reading a sweet note written to you to
having a dear friend give a ride to
trusting God completely to
knowing it starts all over again in just a few hours...
you just never know what can happen in a day....
broken freezers to
training new people to
buying a plane ticket to
having a car break down to
seeing a chiropractor to
getting a nice long walk in to
getting a car fixed to
riding in the car with three sweet girls to
going to a moving book study to
seeing God reflected through beautiful young women to
going grocery shopping late at night to
walking in the rain to
getting ready for the next day to
reading a sweet note written to you to
having a dear friend give a ride to
trusting God completely to
knowing it starts all over again in just a few hours...
you just never know what can happen in a day....
B
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
Tonight
i am feeling something tonight.
it's hard to define what is going on in my heart. i, of course, am the only one constantly in-tune with the workings of my heart and soul- but tonight, i just can't quite put my finger on it.
i spent the evening with a load of friends- every single friend there was married, engaged, or about to be. my response? i dunno. i didn't feel out-of-place, i didn't feel left out, i didn't feel like the odd one out. this could be because these are the people i am around the most, and so i am accustomed to being the only partner-less person. maybe it's because i have a lot going on in my mind and spirit, and so i don't have the strength to be bothered by my alone-ness. part of it is because these people are family to me here in mn, and our relational status doesn't change the way we all love each other.
it's definately weird to be the only one with no one, with no chance of meeting some one. but, if i ever find someone, i don't want to look back and say, "i wish i had been content back then..." or whatever. i don't want regrets. i want to do a lot of things right now- because right now is my life. i don't want to live my life for the future- i want to live my life for this moment. unfortuneately, that's not the way i roll. it's just not.
i want answers. i want reasons. i want security. i want healing. i want love. i want to be wanted. i long. i yearn. i ache. i wonder....
and i think, as i drive home by myself- climb out of my car alone, walk the creepy path to my back door in fear, and finally make it inside- well, i think it would be wonderful to not be alone. but, at the end of every day, as i lay in bed between wakefullness and sleep, what really haunts me the most is will my dreams ever come true, or is it all a lie?
it's hard to define what is going on in my heart. i, of course, am the only one constantly in-tune with the workings of my heart and soul- but tonight, i just can't quite put my finger on it.
i spent the evening with a load of friends- every single friend there was married, engaged, or about to be. my response? i dunno. i didn't feel out-of-place, i didn't feel left out, i didn't feel like the odd one out. this could be because these are the people i am around the most, and so i am accustomed to being the only partner-less person. maybe it's because i have a lot going on in my mind and spirit, and so i don't have the strength to be bothered by my alone-ness. part of it is because these people are family to me here in mn, and our relational status doesn't change the way we all love each other.
it's definately weird to be the only one with no one, with no chance of meeting some one. but, if i ever find someone, i don't want to look back and say, "i wish i had been content back then..." or whatever. i don't want regrets. i want to do a lot of things right now- because right now is my life. i don't want to live my life for the future- i want to live my life for this moment. unfortuneately, that's not the way i roll. it's just not.
i want answers. i want reasons. i want security. i want healing. i want love. i want to be wanted. i long. i yearn. i ache. i wonder....
and i think, as i drive home by myself- climb out of my car alone, walk the creepy path to my back door in fear, and finally make it inside- well, i think it would be wonderful to not be alone. but, at the end of every day, as i lay in bed between wakefullness and sleep, what really haunts me the most is will my dreams ever come true, or is it all a lie?
Life
i could feel life racing through my blood last night as lisa and i co-lead our first captivating study. God's power and presence was felt by both of us all day long. we were cool, calm, and collected, even in the midst of potentially stressful situations. people were praying for us- and we could sense it.
we had 8 precious girls come- and they were vibrant, beautiful, ready to learn, and even a little scared. i, as well, am a little scared heading into this. studying a book like this takes one's heart and soul to depths that are usually locked up. but, we are ready to fight forward together- learning, growing, talking, sharing, laughing, and loving together!
i left feeling happy- just full of life. my heart hasn't felt this alive in months. i'm beyond excited at what the next 7 weeks will hold.
i love those girls already- they are beautiful! their hearts are just sweet and i am honored to be God's chosen one to journey with them.
we had 8 precious girls come- and they were vibrant, beautiful, ready to learn, and even a little scared. i, as well, am a little scared heading into this. studying a book like this takes one's heart and soul to depths that are usually locked up. but, we are ready to fight forward together- learning, growing, talking, sharing, laughing, and loving together!
i left feeling happy- just full of life. my heart hasn't felt this alive in months. i'm beyond excited at what the next 7 weeks will hold.
i love those girls already- they are beautiful! their hearts are just sweet and i am honored to be God's chosen one to journey with them.
Noon
i slept til noon. i don't think i've done that since college. normally i'd be ticked that i wasted half of my only day off, but not today. i hardly slept all week- and i needed the rest desperately. sunday is the best day of the week, hands down. i get to rest all day (as what it was intended for, thank you God!) and then go to be with my church tonight. a day of rest...ah....
Embark
i love that word, embark. who knows if i'm spelling it right? but, i am truly about to embark on a journey with a dear friend. this journey is bigger then myself, it is completely ordained by God, and i think most of all, it is a gift to me! a true gift from God. God is literally saving me through this endeavor. i am overwhelmed with joy and happiness and excitement to experience what the next 6 or 7 weeks will hold. i know that i will not be the same woman, come september- and that, that is God. i feel saved. that's the best way to describe how i feel: God has saved me.
Sleeping Bags
i don't know how to make sleeping bags, i don't know how to dribble a ball...but i am so inspired by those who do! last night i heard stories of two different individuals who are making a difference in their world. in MY world. in YOUR world. not only that, but they are making a difference in the lives of the needy- the poor, the hungry, the sick, the homeless. the people that Jesus loved with no reservations. i was so inspired by hearing about these people, that i had to hear it from their own mouths. (you can, too, if you want. just go to consumed's website, and listen to the two most recent interviews) the inspiration continues.
it makes me think, and think hard. i'm already on a journey of "what of my life? what am i supposed to do? i want to be valuable. i want to make a difference." i'm really struggling with the HOW. i love being motivated by how other people are living their lives. i think it is how i am inspired the most. real people doing real things- these people are no more gifted or special then i am, they have just made different choices. well, it's time i made different choices as well.
i'm overwhelmed. i don't know where to go from here.
one dream of mine is to write a book. and i am in the process, actually. it's just slow-moving. i was reminded by friends of mine over a fire and smore's last week of my baby- my book. it's something i can not get off my heart. something i can not get off my mind. i want to finish the book- finish God's story- and share it with the world. maybe i'll get to speak. maybe i'll get to talk to people about what God has done in me. if my story- my book- will help heal another person's heart, then that is more then enough reason to get her done.
it makes me think, and think hard. i'm already on a journey of "what of my life? what am i supposed to do? i want to be valuable. i want to make a difference." i'm really struggling with the HOW. i love being motivated by how other people are living their lives. i think it is how i am inspired the most. real people doing real things- these people are no more gifted or special then i am, they have just made different choices. well, it's time i made different choices as well.
i'm overwhelmed. i don't know where to go from here.
one dream of mine is to write a book. and i am in the process, actually. it's just slow-moving. i was reminded by friends of mine over a fire and smore's last week of my baby- my book. it's something i can not get off my heart. something i can not get off my mind. i want to finish the book- finish God's story- and share it with the world. maybe i'll get to speak. maybe i'll get to talk to people about what God has done in me. if my story- my book- will help heal another person's heart, then that is more then enough reason to get her done.
