Intense

yesterday was intense. some of you were praying for me- i thank you. i went to bed feeling heavy, weighed down, overwhelmed, and basically attacked.

you see, i had planned on spending the day preparing. i am co-leading a book study on "captivating", as tonight is my night to lead the chapters. i had no idea it would turn into such a difficult ordeal.

i started out leafing through some of my old journals. i sensed God leading me to read some of them to the girls- they are all in high school- when i shared. at first i thought it might be a fun endeavor to re-read about my life, but....mmmm...some of it wasn't so much fun. i was getting so caught up in the reading, and going back down memory lane when all of the sudden about a million ghosts from the closet of my past came swooping out. things i had forgotten, things i want to forget, things that cut to the core of my soul were all staring me in the face. it was then that i realized exactly WHY i keep my journals shoved in a box in my closet where it's hard to reach.

the sweet thing is, mostly the words that brought me to tears were verses people had given me, or notes people had written me. and i could see a pattern of God's goodness, and His hand over my life. granted, it doesn't feel good- quite the contrary. it FEELS hurtful, and confusing- but i can SEE the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (that's me!), i just don't always FEEL it. it was hard to pick which entries i am going to share with the girls tonight- they're so personal, and only a miniscule glimpse into my whole heart.

i called, and met with two dear souls in my life who prayed God's power over me. i have faith that God will use tonight in an astounding way- maybe not in the lives of the girls, but definately in my own heart. my dream is that it will inspire, enlighten, help heal, or comfort one of them- but i leave that in my Savior's hands...