Tonight

i am feeling something tonight.

it's hard to define what is going on in my heart. i, of course, am the only one constantly in-tune with the workings of my heart and soul- but tonight, i just can't quite put my finger on it.

i spent the evening with a load of friends- every single friend there was married, engaged, or about to be. my response? i dunno. i didn't feel out-of-place, i didn't feel left out, i didn't feel like the odd one out. this could be because these are the people i am around the most, and so i am accustomed to being the only partner-less person. maybe it's because i have a lot going on in my mind and spirit, and so i don't have the strength to be bothered by my alone-ness. part of it is because these people are family to me here in mn, and our relational status doesn't change the way we all love each other.

it's definately weird to be the only one with no one, with no chance of meeting some one. but, if i ever find someone, i don't want to look back and say, "i wish i had been content back then..." or whatever. i don't want regrets. i want to do a lot of things right now- because right now is my life. i don't want to live my life for the future- i want to live my life for this moment. unfortuneately, that's not the way i roll. it's just not.

i want answers. i want reasons. i want security. i want healing. i want love. i want to be wanted. i long. i yearn. i ache. i wonder....

and i think, as i drive home by myself- climb out of my car alone, walk the creepy path to my back door in fear, and finally make it inside- well, i think it would be wonderful to not be alone. but, at the end of every day, as i lay in bed between wakefullness and sleep, what really haunts me the most is will my dreams ever come true, or is it all a lie?