They're Literally Stalking Me

i can't sleep. my skin is crawling. i itch everywhere. i feel tingly sensations all over my body. even my own shadow makes me jump.

it all started about 2 weeks ago. one morning, around 6 freaking a.m., i went out to my little garage- which i use to protect me from villans, mind you- and there in the corner was this huge, and i mean huge- spider. i think it's safe to call him a tarantula. i freaked. there is no way i can walk to my car door without walking by the stinkin' beast. he haunts me every time i get in my car, every time i close the garage door, and every time i pull my car back in. this has been going on for days. DAYS! a lot of times- it's the first thought in my head when my alarm goes off. "ugh. that spider is waiting for me in the garage..." and it REALLY disturbs me. i think about him throughout my day- and a lot of times i itch, or slap at myself, thinking a spider is on me.

so then comes last night. i pull in the garage, get out, shut my garage door, and WHAM. there he is- right in front of me. normally i find comfort when i look at the beast and he's scrambling around in his web- at least i know he's not scrambling free. but this time- oh no! he was sitting right by my foot. i FKEAKED. i might have screamed. at any rate, i took off a flip flop and tried to KILL it once and for all! the freak disappeared! so i became frozen! where on earth would he have gone?! then, he REappears. TOTALLY playing games with me. by this time, i'm getting ticked off at the freak. so i rip off my other flip flop and go to KILL it again- and AGAIN he disappears. WHAT THE HECK?! so then- i'm convinced he must be on my person somehow. where else could he have gone?

i called swzy, and immediately asked, "WHERE ARE YOU?" thank God she was only two minutes down the road, so i stood there- shoeless, surrounded by my flip flops- frozen in fear. once she arrived, she analyzed the siutation- rescued my flops, closed my garage door- and walked me back inside where we continue on with our evening.

awhile later, i am leisurely lying on my bed, in the peace and comfort of my own room chatting away with a friend on the phone when all of the sudden- low and behold- OUT SCURRIES THE BEAST! the freaking tarantula crawled out of my sheets, scrambled ACROSS MY PILLOW and down to the depths of who knows where! i SCREAMED in a panic- jumped off my bed- and froze in the middle of my room. my poor friend on the other end of the line thought i had lost it.

swz slowly but surely makes it back into my room- searches above and below my bed and can't find the thing. to my horror- she turns to me and says, and i quote, "do you have your contacts in?" i could kill her. she's literally accusing me of SEEING THINGS! or in this case, NOT seeing things. of COURSE i had my contacts in! of COUSE i saw that freak crawl out of the depths of my peaceful bed and defile my beautiful pillow.

i proceeded to drag blankets from my hallway closet (NOT my bedroom) and i slept on the floor in the living room.

so, that brings us to today. i was convinced last night that the my spider enemy in the corner of my garage had attached itself, or hitched a ride in the cuff of my capri's and entered my home and that's how he ended up in my bed. well, when i got out to the dreaded garage this morning- oh! there he was. in the web in the corner.

thus, i am convinced that multitudes of tarantula's are out to get me. it's a conspiracy for sure. i'm convinced of it. i can no longer enter my room without freaking out in fear.

low and behold, i'm standing in my room tonight- talking with swz, trying to figure out what on earth to do to find this beast- and there he is in the corner of my wall- RIGHT ABOVE WHERE MY HEAD WOULD BE! so, i did what i can't help doing and SCREAMED and ran from the room- SHOVING swz towards that very wall in the process. i kept screaming at her to make SURE she got it- to make SURE she killed it on the first try, so the beast wouldn't get away- completely out of our site again.

i'm yelling this from our living room- when oh! what do i hear? but SWZY screaming! he JUMPED at her, and zoomed out of site. the beast lives on- in my bedroom- in my bed for crying out loud. my safe haven has been corrupted.

i have resigned myself to sleeping in the living room for the rest of my life. i truly believe they're after me- all of them. the one has taken over my garage, another my bedroom...what's next? it's a conspiracy, i tell you. they're after me.