Anyone know that song? Whenever it comes on the radio, I just blast and sing. The lyrics go something like, "Oh these times are hard, they're making me crazy...." And I could be wrong. It's happened before where I sing a song one way, but the actual lyrics are completely different than what I had been singing. In this case, I am very happy singing my version of the song, because THESE TIMES ARE HARD.
It's been 2 months and 4 days since we found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat. 2 months?! Could 2 months have really gone by? What's hard about time is my thoughts turn to, "Our baby should be 2 months more developed", or "I would be showing by now", or "The morning sickness would have been behind me". And what's even harder is the women I am surrounded by whose babies ARE developing healthily, who ARE showing, and who DO have morning sickness behind them.
It's the women at church who were chasing after their little ones at church on Mother's Day. The pregnant girls who were standing holding their tummies, glowing from happiness. Those women make the healing process so unbearably difficult at times. But what can be done about that? Absolutely nothing. I realize I sound completely selfish, but that is not my heart. My heart believes it's a joyous miracle for those other women. I would never want to take that away from them or wish them in the same position as me.
It's just the irony of their joy and their tummies are such a torturous REMINDER of the loss of our own baby. My arms absolutely ache to hold our baby. I can't even type that sentence without breaking down into tears. I didn't get a chance to hold our child, or to look into his or her face and kiss their cheeks. I didn't get to change their diapers or swaddle them in a cozy blanket. I didn't get to feed them or rock them to sleep. I didn't get to tell our baby HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM OR HER How much I still love. How much I will always love. I never got to say it to their little ears. And since I'm already weeping, I might as well just finish with a bang.
There was nothing I could do as a Mother to protect the life of my own baby. There was nothing I could do. Nothing. And that pain is something I know I will be familiar with for the rest of my life, and right now it's welcoming me to Motherhood in a very cruel way.
6 comments:
oh thank you for sharing friend. I ache for your sadness. I love you dearly and will always be praying for your heart.
i love you. wish i could take the pain away....
Roomie, you are still on my heart very often! I pray for you lots and love you more!
Abby, your realness in this post is refreshing in one sense...knowing that raw emotions exist in someone else besides yourself. does that make sense? i cannot pretend to understand what you are feeling because i have not been there. but i do know that He will make beautiful things out of this dust! (been listening to Gungor's song, Beautiful Things...look it up...so good!) i know you know that. i know you know all the right poignant verses that i'm sure you are clinging to. all i can say is that i care and i wish i could do or say something to make the pain stop for you. but all i can think of is that He will carry you when you can't walk anymore. it's good to grieve. and i hope that you and Chuck are able to grieve together. i am praying for you friend!
Laura Siegrist
I'm sorry you're feeling sad babe. I just wish I could do more than just hold your hand and give you hugs. I truly believe the day will come where you can say: "[Lord], you have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy." (Ps. 30:11)
Hi, Abby. I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you! I lost my first baby too, and the day it happened, my sister in law announced she was pregnant. It was really rough and I felt so bitter about it. I just remember trying to find something to be thankful for every day so the bitterness wouldn't take over. Time really will make it a little easier, but it is so hard to go through. I understand. Know you are not alone! ((hugs)) from Minnesota.
Kristy
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