Where is My Hope?

We've been through quite a lot of awful today. I can not process it all. The unknowns feel too much to bear. Every time I put my hope into something like a blood test or urine test we are fed with more questions, and my hope plummets. My faith is being tested by fire, and I don't know how to handle it. I know as a believer I am not promised a life of ease and constant goodness. I know I am not immune to the worst case scenario. Each day I feel we are inching closer and closer to the worst case scenario. My hope in good news is fading. There doesn't seem to be any good news for us concerning Jase's health right now. Don't get me wrong, we haven't gotten any specific bad news, just more questions.

I know as clear as day that my hope can never be in good answers or good circumstances. These are the times I am to "count it all joy" because we ALL face trials. Trials we do not want. My hope is in Jesus because even if the worst case scenario happens in our family, Christ still sits on The Throne. He is so full of love and grace I can not fathom how he will move and work and bless! He is more good than I can know. More loving than I believe. More powerful than my mind can comprehend. He is my God, and tonight we trust Him. He is our only hope. I have hope in God alone because he is my Savior, and He is sovereign.


This afternoon Jase wanted me to read him the book, "Jesus and His Friends". I couldn't help but cry as I read it to Him. It was a beautiful reminder as I read out loud, "Some mothers came to Jesus. 'We want Jesus to say a prayer for our children.' " Then, "I am not too busy, said Jesus. I welcome children. For God welcomes children." Beautiful!

A tangible update on Jase: He still has a fever, and there is no known cause. This concerns the doctors and us. They have been running tests and looking for answers, but so far we have just been running into more questions. It's an awful waiting game. Though we want answers, we are also afraid to find out something bad. We continue to wait for some symptom to show up to give us a clue. So far, there are no other symptoms besides a fever. And so we wait. 

God has been Present with us today. In moments of unspeakable peace, as well as in special gifts from Him. We had friends care for Basye while we took Jase to all of his appointments. She was in wonderful hands! 

Our hospital is near a Starbucks so I got to run in and buy a latte, which always brings me a little comfort. While I was in there I ran into a friend from church who reminded me she was praying for Jase. 

Dear friends ordered us Chipotle for dinner so I didn't have to worry about what to fix. AND they even ordered us sodas which was an extra special treat. 

I had to focus my mind on something other then worrying about Jase so I attacked my closet. I was able to get some long over-due organizing started. 

Please keep praying for us. We really need need it.