something has been troubling me, and where better to express it then on my own personal blog? there is this person in my life (to protect the identity of this said individual, i am making this person a male with the name of jay) who has been pointing out an aspect of my character a lot lately. at first, it was funny. jay pointed out that my "glass is half empty". i immediately responded "whatever!" (me? defensive?!)
well, i thought about that a lot...so later on, i said to jay, "you know what. you're right. my glass is half empty, and i think that's why it hurts so much to hear you say that." jay laughed out loud, thinking i was really funny for saying that. i guess it was funny that day.
as time has gone on, jay keeps saying this about me. "you really ARE half empty" he keeps saying. well for crying out loud. i'm sorry that i have to be safe. i'm sorry that i have to be protective of me, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my heart, and my life! i can't just waltz around expecting everything in life to be perfect and happy at all times. i have to protect myself. does that make me half empty? does that make me negative "all the time"? i guess in guarding my heart, if it makes me appear half empty, there's nothing i can do. i suppose i could just not express how i really feel- but then i wouldn't be me. it's probably impossible anyway.
plus, just because i don't trust, doesn't mean i'm half empty. it means i don't have any reason to trust. and just because i don't take short cuts, it does not make me half empty! i don't want to be half empty! but, i don't see anyway around it if i want to be safe. if i don't put my guard up, who will? it was once said about me, "you are a skeptic, until you are a believer- but once you believe, you BELIEVE!" well, there ya go!
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3 comments:
Don't think of yourself as being half-empty Abs, think of yourself as being a cup of coffee with extra space for the creamer!
Seriously, I can relate to what you are feeling - I too live a life that is protective of my heart. However, I've often found that if I only give a small part of myself to someone/something, then I unfortunately only get a small part back in return. But God wants us to give everything we have, and not fear the consequences. I am struggling with giving more of myself, and not being afraid to be hurt - I have to trust that God knows what is best for me, and I have to let go of the control that I so desperately desire to have. Know that you are not alone in this battle.
C.S. Lewis has some great thoughts on this subject in Mere Christianity. Let's call it suggested reading. (you too Chuck)
Abs
I am also one who tries to protect myself from hurt and pain. However those things will find you if they really want. If you don't allow others to see you fully then you will never know to what extent of happiness you could reach. There is a song by Lonestar (country) that states sometimes you must fall and learn to crawl again. It also states that God placed mountains in our paths so that we can learn to climb. All of the trips, falls and pains that we experience along the path are little ways of God trying to teach us something. Don't look at the struggles as problems but rather as a blessing from God. He loves you enough to make you work for your happiness.
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