i'm sad. that's all there is to it. i always have this underlying sadness in my deepest heart of hearts, but usually it's kept locked away. i occupy my mind with work, friends, church, groups, projects, tv, movies, reading, talking on the phone, eating, running, music...anything except dwelling on sadness. it's not healthy to mope around and wish for things that are out of my control. because that's exactly it: things are out of my control.
i was talking to my manager today about all kinds of things. he brought up the option for me to become an assistant mananger. every few months the subject resurfaces. i always go back to my old stand by: "starbucks is a means to an end (money!) and it's not what i want to do for my life, i have a higher purpose..." yet in the mean time, i have no idea when this "higher purpose" is finally going to play out. quite possibly never. so should i pursue something "bigger" in my current career- just in case my dreams never come to fruition?
thinking about this just makes me sad. sad that i'm not living the "higher purpose" that i so long for. sad that so many people around me ARE living that "higher purpose", and i am crazy longing for their lives. i feel like i'm dangling from a rope from the unknown scary sky, with no hopes of it being cut down so i can fall where i've always wanted to fall.
my fear is that i will forever be dangling from this hopeless rope, and that i will not be cut lose until the day i depart this earthly existance. but then again- once that day comes i will be living with my Savior, so it won't matter any more.
the saddest truth of all: it matters right now.
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7 comments:
Abs,
I used to have such similar sadness. My heart broke reading your post. (I graduated from BBC as well but you would not remember me – you were still in high school) I wrestled with similar sentiments for quite some time and realized that being a Christian IS ministry – being a Christian is your purpose; it does not matter if you’re answering phones at a church or at grocery store. Your ministry is where you are at and each day is your purpose – to honor God in everything that you do.
You can still be successful in a "regular" job and be serving 100% and with purpose.
This reoccurring opportunity to grow into a manager position sounds like it is a real part of that next step. You may need to wrestle with the fact that perhaps God is providing a growth opportunity to bring you to that next level through this new role. Don't pass on opportunities because it does not appear to fit "your" dream or expectations of ministry.
The world is a big place, as is ministry. Ministry is life and your life right now includes Starbucks - embrace the growth opportunity and use it to honor God with all of you (not that you’re not, but embrace it). God defines the road; the path each of us takes. You learning to manage and run the ship at Starbucks sounds incredible and quite applicable for ministry today, tomorrow...later in life. Obviously you need to continue praying through this but branch out your perspective of what ministry really is…step out of the box of familiarity. Live it. – A Sister in Christ
I was going to say almost the same thing as anonymous said. Maybe what you see as a "higher purpose" is not the same as what God sees. Maybe becoming an assistant manager will open doors for you that weren't there before. Remember that as Christians our mission field is the world. That means that no matter where we work or what we do we are missionaries. Another thing, maybe God would have you trust Him to take you into that next step where you are so that He knows you will truly trust your future to him. You can't, and I speak to myself as well as you, you can't live looking only to the future, you have to see the doors and opportunities that are there now. Maybe God wants you/us to learn something from the next step that He will then use to help you in your "higher purpose". Does that make any sense. I don't want to seem preachy but I am sortof in the same boat. Another thing someone continually reminds me of is that God doesn't dangle a carrot. When the time is right He gives us what we need and what will Glorify Him the most. Praying always for you! JoyAnna
Well, I have all sorts of things to say about this, as I am fairly sure that I can empathize in a great way to these feelings of yours. Instead of writing a book of a comment though, we should chat about this sometime.
Abby,
I wish I could give you some of the blessings that have come to me this year.
Even though we never were in the same circles...I have always cared about you because I heard about your break up with your fiance a couple years ago. And-to refresh your memory-I also went through the same thing...although for some reason mine seemed to be the ultimate "bbc scandal"...you would have thought I was committing murder when I broke up with a fiance who didn't treat me well and would have made me unhappy the rest of my days. Well anyway, the road hasn't been easy...after graduating I worked in Grand Rapids (alone with no friends and no church)...then I moved to Iowa. It wasn't until this very January that I met my husband and found a church...and the funny thing is that I had made up my mind that men were jerks and I wanted nothing to do with them. Instead, I dreamed of saving enough money to some day go to Africa or somewhere and just help kids.
Don't give up your dreams! God has something waiting for you. He loves you. And when it happens...it'll be so good that you'd be willing to go through all of the hard times over again to have it!
Abby,
I always tell Matt that it's not what you do, but what you become that matters most. That time in the past when you encouraged me to stick with Starbucks when I almost quit, to me, you were living your "higher purpose" then in a very real way in my life. You were a channel of God's grace for me. I don't know of any higher purpose than that. Don't forget to pray about it. God will help you find an answer. Sometimes sadness is grief, grief about something that we have been letting go, but don't know it yet. Sounds like you may be grieving having not met some of your expectations for your life. God will always be with you in your grief. But maybe, just maybe, God is challenging you to understand your "higher purpose" in a different way -- according to His life and expectations, and not just yours. Pray and listen to God. He will show you the way.
By the way, I knew I'd get you with the "ditzy" comment. That's why I wrote it. I wanted to get a reaction from you to see if you still knew that I'm alive and kicking out here. Don't worry, I know that you're very capable and responsible. They wouldn't be asking you about the ASM position if that wasn't the case. Just my pathetic way of flirting a little bit and getting a little attention from you.
Abs, I read this blog last week and didn't want to say anything, because I felt it would just be cliche. However, I do want you to know that I care! I admit I don't know you that well and can't feel exactly the same things you are feeling, but I can relate and feel alongside you (we talked about this Sunday morning). I love ya! I thought I'd just share this verse that I read on a friend's blog this morning that reminds me of the longing God put in me on purpose.
"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
-Romans 8:22-25
Love ya!
Ab,
I wait too long to check your blog and usually end up having to read 5 entries. I decided to respond to this one. I went and saw "The Pursuit of Happyness" (Will Smith) yesterday and cried all the way through it. I realized during the movie that I am sad. I didn't even know it! I also realized that everyone, literally everyone, is going through some sort of sorrow, or "death." But, it is only through death that we live. Remember that . . . Unless an acorn falls to the ground and lies dormant for months, new life will never sprout up. You don't have to enjoy hardship, but don't be afraid of it, Abs. "Our light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all! Fix your eyes on things eternal." The purpose of life is to live it (and all that that implies), but truly living involves experiencing many deaths.
I can't wait to see you over Christmas and give you a huge "Krust" hug!
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