A Big Girl's World

i'm a big girl. i don't know when it happened, but here i am. adult. on my own. independant. i am 25 years old. looks pretty young on paper, but i feel sometimes as if my life is passing me by while i chill on the sidelines. when i consider it logically- no. absolutely i am being proactive about certain parts of me. my heart is engaged, and my heart loves- oh deeply loves the people around me, and then there's the God of my life. *smile* that phrase just makes me smile. i came across this psalm today- 42:8.

by day
the Lord directs his love,
at night
his song is with me-
a prayer to
the God of my life.

saying the God of my life makes me feel possessive, a bit shy, proud, and it proves that i am in love with Him. i really am. the hard part is trying to grasp this love of His for me. it should be easy to believe in. it should be easy to accept.

i have always been an easy lover. i just love people, things, activities, foods, colors, quirks, music...it's natural for me to say, "oh my gosh. i LOVE...{fill in the blank}". i am also quite loyal to the things that i love. my heart attaches to people, or things...and i am forever loyal. it's in my blood. i can't help but love and latch on, and never let go.

what happends is when that love is thrown back in my face. or when my love is used. or when my love is taken for granted. or when my love is broken. or when the love i can't help but offer is carelessly tossed aside. then, i am left to pick up the pieces. then, i hurt. then i grieve. then i am left wondering.

why do i so easily love...but am not so easily loved in return? and why do i take that as meaning God does not love me in return? for crying out loud! must we re-hash ALL that He has done? no, no, no. i know all that. i do.

it's odd to have such a human heart try so desperately to connect with a supernatural, perfect heart. doesn't seem like a good match to me. mostly i say that to mean, maybe that's why there is a struggle. maybe God is not supposed to be easy.

maybe it's OK that our relationship is hard. maybe it's OK that we go through deeps and darks as well as highs and lights.

no, i suppose God is not supposed to be easy. no relationship ever is.

i am a big girl. living in a big girl's world.

i just want to love, and be loved. at the end of the day, all i want is to love, and have been loved in return.