Softly Spoken- Loudly Heard

"you know what you're supposed to do- you don't like quitting because you're afraid of the unknown."

yes. i am afraid of the unknown.
where does my responsibility lie? (lay? whatever. i hate grammar.)
do i quit something that drains my soul?
OR
do i act responsibly and do what i need to do to pay the bills- even though i am betraying myself, my very soul, my heart?
i am in quite a bit of debt.
i feel i am left with no choice at all.
how long?
how long must i agonize over what is my life?
how long must i WAIT?

i have become quite good at pretending. mostly to convince myself that i can CHOOSE to be happy. no matter my circumstances, i can make the choice to be happy- even if i'm not doing what i want to do. but, what is that anyway?

i have been hurt. not hurt in a major, huge, out-of-commission way. but, hurt none the less. i have been dragging around this burden for what feels like weeks and weeks. it has affected me more then i choose to admit. at the end of the day, it makes me angry at God. it has started to make me bitter at God. all the pent up hurt and hidden pain just festers and makes me angry.

i don't want an ugly soul. if i don't deal with this- i will have an ugly soul.

there is nothing i can do to make it go away. this is the kind of hurt that has to run its course. i've had my sad love songs, i've had my bowls of ice cream, i've had my mountain dew, i've had my m 'n m's, i've had my cries. i'm now left with hundreds of questions, haunting words, and some regrets.

that's LIFE.

for some reason, my life as of late has had a string of icks. i pretend they don't bother me. i pretend i am fine. i pretend i am better off. but really, i am a child.

scared.
frightened.
doubting.
questioning.
wondering.
crying.

alone.