Super Woman

I was invited to hang out with some women and kids from my new church today.  It was a really encouraging morning being with them.  I very much enjoyed chatting with the other girls and getting to know some of them.  One of them asked me when I moved here.  I responded, "A week and a half after Jase was born.  Terrible idea."  Two of the women said, "When we heard about that, we thought, 'Is she super woman or what?' "  HA!  ME?!  Hardly.

I had no choice but to share that I came with a pretty bad attitude.  It was a terrible idea to move so soon after Jase was born.  Really terrible.  I think there's a part of me that will regret that for the rest of my life.  Hopefully not in a bitter and angry way, but in a way that I will always remember the pain and loneliness and fatigue and sadness and aching and of course, anger.  I don't need to go into all the details of why we moved when we did, but it has certainly made the transition here extra hard.  I wish our transition to this new place could have been better.  I wish it had been done in a different way, and at a different time, but it wasn't.  We did move here a week and half after Jase was born and I am not Super Woman.

In fact, looking back at these last six months, I wish I had been more gracious and more kind and more understanding and move supportive of my husband than I was.  I feel much more like the villain then the main super hero.  Why do I usually act out in a way that is ugly?  My humanness makes me sad and makes me regret.  But for the grace of God, there are times when His love comes out of me, and then I feel so joyful.  I wish His love poured out of me much more, and I poured out of me much less.

As I was driving today I thought, "There's no need to beat myself up over my sin.  The purpose of the cross was to FREE me from sin, and to free me from guilt.  I can't change myself, but Christ can."  So if I walk around beating myself up all the time, then I'm not taking advantage of what Christ came to do for me.  Of which I am so unworthy.  And so grateful.  So very, very grateful.

***On a side note, "My Five Wives" is on right now.  Imagine how hideous I would act with FOUR other women vying for Chuck's attention?  Oh no no no no no.