Thanks

thanks for all your comments and most importantly for your PRAYERS. it is around 5 pm east coast time. they just came in and said that my dad's heart is "all back together"...they are waiting to see if it clots well and that it doesn't bleed uncontrolably. we still have a couple hours. keep praying. this takes so much time. i praise God for Dr. Bavaria. i want to give him a huge hug. keep praying!! keep praying. thank you so much. thank you, Father for your peace. mom and i just cried together a little. expressing our thoughts and feelings. this is so hard. there's a possibility that dad could have a stroke...so please pray AGAINST that in the coming hours and days. God's presence is here. HIS peace is with us.

i am back in the computer room. johnny and i are next to each other again. i am tired. i think this is what extreme exhaustion feels like. it's hard to describe. i went to bed around midnight last night...it was one of those nights where i don't feel like i slept at all. i got up at 4:30 this morning. my eyes feel like glue. i went to lunch at the "spice of life" cafeteria . ok, don't know where the "spice" comes from in the name. oh well, it's the hospital. i got a starlight latte from the hospital cafe...yet again i am constantly reminding myself, starbucks is the only place to get a latte! ha! when we got back to the surgical family lounge, the back room, where our group has moved in and taken over (actually, we've been asked twice to quiet down) i received the newest update...it's halftime for dad. they were just about done with his first valve, and were moving on to the second. the first half of surgery went well. (thank you FATHER!) and he still has at least 3 hours to go. (it's about 4 pm east coast time) mom looked like she had been crying while i was gone, but she seems so strong. she's very positive. tim and barb left. jen and m left. we still have a group here with us. it's starting to drag by. we're all a little like zombies. God's presence is here. we feel His peace. please keep praying!! and thank you so much for all the prayers on dad's behalf already. i just can't thank you enough.

it is now around noon. we all just trooped back from starbucks. i will be frequenting there a lot. it smells like "home" to me in there. it has a comorting aroma to me. right before we left, my real good friends, jen and m showed up! then, while we were at starbucks, tim and barb woodard came. we all have a big back room to ourselves. dad is undergoing surgery right now. it's really weird to think about. he's laying upstairs in a cold, sterile room, chest up, exopsed, on an operating table...heart stopped, the surgeon at work on him. shivers. shivers. that's where i stop. we're still at peace. God's presence is upon us.

i have imagined myself being a writer from the beach- sitting next to the ocean, the breeze gently blowing wisps of hair around my face, the beach sprawled for miles beside me, the sun blazing miraculously above me, the story flowing from my pen...never have i imagined myself writing from THE SURGICAL FAMILY LOUNGE. there are three rooms full of chairs, a couple flat screen tv's, a coffee area for family's of surgical patients only, and a computer room, where i am currently residing. johnny is on the computer next to me. we just said our hard- oh so hard- good byes to my dad. we got here (university of penn hospital) a little before 6:30 this morning. my mom, aunt cynthy, john mark, mel and peg walker, and pastor have all been waiting with dad, still in his normal clothes for 2 1/2 hours. we finally got called up, and went to a "new" waiting room. there, we stood and waited for only a moment before the guy in his scrubs came to get my dad. (i think it's a good sign that he was pretty hot!) we stood in a circle, pastor prayed, and i cried. i watched my tears drop to the ground and splat on the floor. my arms were around my aunt, and my mom, while my hand laid on top of my dad's. it was torture for him to get here so early and have to wait over 2 1/2 hours before being called. the surgery probably won't be for another hour or so. (it's about 10 am, east coast time) after pastor prayed, i watched as my mom and dad embraced. looking at them was too much to bear. i turned away, but the sound of my mother's sobs still reign in my ears. when it was my turn, i hugged my dad so tight. i could hardly say the words, "i love you..." and gave him a kiss good-bye. it's hard. it's surreal. but, God...oh God you ARE here. YOU are real. no matter the pain, no matter the fear, in fact...i don't think any of us feel fear. God's presence is here, and there is a peace. i'll write more later, we're about to go get something to eat. please know...above ALL else...THANK YOU FOR PRAYING...I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU ALL...keep praying for my dad...his surgery will be at LEAST 6 hours. more to come...

i'm home. it's emotional, but i'm where i belong. we leave for philly tomorrow afternoon. we will go to my aunt's tomorrow night, have dinner, sleep over...and then be at the hospital by 6:30 am. it's a fearful thought. mom says it's a sin to worry or be afraid, and i would agree. fear is not of God. he says he does not give us a spirit of fear but of something else. ha. i can't remember what that something else is, but i know it's not of fear! ha! that's all that matters. it's hard not to fear when i know painful things are ahead. mom says we hope in Jesus because no matter what happends, God is my hope. and no matter what happends, God is taking care of my dad, her, luke, johnny, and me...no matter what. even if things turn out in a way we don't think we can handle...Jesus is our hope. Jesus will take care of us. He will. He will. He will. help my hope to be in YOU, Father. our hope. all of us. together.

You guys are awesome! Thank you to so many of you who have been praying for me so faithfully! I am comforted, and so encouraged by that. I am always in awe when some one tells me that they are specifically praying for me.
The past several weeks have actually been a little rough. There are a lot of things changing in the lives of the people around me. As a result, it has left me feeling abandoned and alone at times. I experience a great deal of pain when I get the feeling of abandonment, as it brings up past wounds. But, to tell you the truth, I am amazed at how God gets me through each day. It is a reminder that he is going to continue to carry me, especially during the next few weeks.
I leave on Friday for home because God amazingly provided a ticket for me to fly back! I am so thankful. On Sunday, my family leaves to go to Philly for my dad’s surgery, which is going to be on Monday morning, April 24th. I keep imagining myself sitting in the hospital, waiting for at least six hours while they operate, anxiously wondering how it’s going. Creepy. This is certainly an unexpectedly hard time for us as a family, especially for dad. It’s so hard to believe. Please continue to pray for my dad- for protection during surgery, and for good recovery and healing.
On a really cool note, the Psalm 139 Bible study went really well. It was super wonderful having so many of you praying for us. Thank you! There was definitely a core group of girls that came every week, plus random stragglers here and there. For me, a highlight was when we had a group of unsaved girls mixed with saved girls, all studying God’s word together! So cool! Also, God brought a girl to the group who “happened” to hear about it, and she showed up all by herself, even though she was really scared to come. We, as a group, were taken on an intense journey together, and we really bonded. God taught us all different things, but we certainly all learned more about how high, deep, wide, and long his love for us really is! It was an awesome experience!
Consumed, as a whole, is doing well. While I am gone, we will be hosting a Shawn McDonald concert for free, to benefit Invisible Children, and it’s going to take place on a community college campus!
In case you haven’t heard, Jamie’s book, “Fully Alive” came out recently. That has been really exciting! You can order one on our new website at: www.consumedministries.com I am currently working on book as well, so you can pray for wisdom as I write it!
I will be gone for about three weeks, but I will try to write so that people can receive updates about my dad. Again, seriously, thank you for praying!
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” said Jesus to me, and to you! This verse was sent to me on a card that I received today and it just flooded my spirit with warmth. May it warm your heart as it did mine.

hangin' with my girls is good. so good. it certainly brings out my inner thug. bah haha!! seriously though, being with my girls is like being ME. no holding back. no regrets. no worries. no wondering what they think about me or what i said. they think i'm funny. they think i'm kind and sweet. they love me for ME. and the same with me. i think they're halarious! they make me laugh. i love their stories. i love hearing about their lives. we open up our hearts with each other. we laugh. we share. we cry. we joke, but we love. God has created us to be relational. think about it. we are born to TWO parents. it doesn't always stay that way, but it takes two people to create one person. then, that makes at least a family of three, not to mention brothers, sisters, grandparetns, aunts, uncles. the Bible is huge on families. Jesus was huge on relationships. i love relationships!! they're good for the heart, the soul, the mind, emotions...they're so GOOD. my girls are a gift from my Father. they're unlike any other form of relationships. women need each other. we understand each other. we connect in a way that no man could ever understand. don't get me wrong, men definately have their good purpose in our lives, but tonight, i wanna give a shout out to the WOMEN in my life who rock!

hangin' with my girls is good. so good. it certainly brings out my inner thug. bah haha!! seriously though, being with my girls is like being ME. no holding back. no regrets. no worries. no wondering what they think about me or what i said. they think i'm funny. they think i'm kind and sweet. they love me for ME. and the same with me. i think they're halarious! they make me laugh. i love their stories. i love hearing about their lives. we open up our hearts with each other. we laugh. we share. we cry. we joke, but we love. God has created us to be relational. think about it. we are born to TWO parents. it doesn't always stay that way, but it takes two people to create one person. then, that makes at least a family of three, not to mention brothers, sisters, grandparetns, aunts, uncles. the Bible is huge on families. Jesus was huge on relationships. i love relationships!! they're good for the heart, the soul, the mind, emotions...they're so GOOD. my girls are a gift from my Father. they're unlike any other form of relationships. women need each other. we understand each other. we connect in a way that no man could ever understand. don't get me wrong, men definately have their good purpose in our lives, but tonight, i wanna give a shout out to the WOMEN in my life who rock!

i will be flying home in about a week and a half. i leave here on friday, april 21. most of my time "home" will be spent in philly at the hospital. i actually get to be back for 18 days which is a huge blessing!! my dad's surgery is now scheduled for monday, april 24. i say this all the time to myself, and maybe even people, i don't know...but i just can't believe it. i just can't. my dad's desire is that God uses this to reach the doctors, nurses, and "indian chiefs" for HIM. i think that is becoming the desire of my heart as well. mom and i (and possibly the boys) will be spending lots of hours in the hospital, possibly around the same people for many days in a row. God can work! i am confident of that, and even more, i know He will. i don't doubt it.

well, a bit of relief came today when dad called me on my lunch break. he does not have an infection in his blood. (thank you Lord!) but, he does have an infection in his valves. the surgery will now be either the 17th or 18th of april. i will most likely fly in on Easter Sunday (16th) and stay until may 1. i found out today that if i miss 2 weeks of work, i should still be able to keep my benefits, or i can take a family medical leave for up to 4 months. that is a huge relief and i am so thankful God is providing for me in these ways. i absolutely knew he would take care of me, but it's so comforting to see it happen already. still not sure what will happen with my original plane ticket, but have no doubt God has it under control. it brings such warmth to my heart to know i will be in the presence of my parents in two weeks. knowing that my dad will be undergoing severe open heart surgery is not so pleasant, but at least we'll be journeying together, instead of me just floppin' around MN alone without them. The Lord is my shepherd.

my dad has to have open heart surgery. again. he was born with defective heart valves, and so about 7 years ago had one replaced with a pig valve. since then, it's been sort of a joke that dad has a pig part in him, but our recent news has taken on a whole new dimension of the pig valve. that pig apparently had a defective valve also. or, it has beome defective since it's been inplanted. either way, dad is having another surgery to fix two leaking valves. at first, we were informed that the surgery would take place some time near the end of may. through a lengthy chain of events, it now looks like the surgery could be this week, or possibly the 17th of april. tomorrow we get test results back where we will find out whether or not dad has an infection in his blood. for some reason, there is suspicion to believe there could be. this further compicates things. if he does have an infection, then he will have to go immediately back down to philly to have an iv of anti-biotics pumped through him. (we don't know how long that takes...hours? days?) after that, he might have surgery right away. or, he may have to wait a week. if he does not have the infection, then he will most likely have surgery the 17th. it's all up in the air right now. so, we wait. and wait. and wait. an hour feels like a lifetime. what's going to happen? what's going on in my dad's body? will he be ok? the burden of the surgery and unknowns are weighing on my dad....i can't imagine having to face what he's facing right now. it's tough on all of us, really.
as for me...i hate being away from him and my mom and my family. it's torture going through my day alone without them, not knowing what the next step will be. i have determined in my heart that i WILL be there for the surgery. i do not care what it takes. i will pay off a plane ticket for the rest of my life if i have to! i will quit my job, or lose my insurance if that's what it takes. (i have to keep up 20 hours per week to keep my benefits) it's not even a question if i am going home or not. i am. i just don't know when (YET) or how (YET). God will get me there. i know that with no doubt. i just hate waiting, not knowing, and all the lingering questions. i already have tickets booked for the end of april and would be flying back to MN on may 1. so, i might just go and stay until may 1 when i was already scheduled to fly back. (hence the reason i could lose my benefits if i am gone for that many weeks) so, what's a girl to do? without a doubt, she will be there for her dad. she will be there for her mom. all the other stuff, well, i just don't know.
what i do know is that the Lord is my shepherd. The Lord leads me beside quiet waters. The Lord restores my soul. My Father is guiding me in paths of righteosness for his name's sake. Even though my family is walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil. My Father is with me. His rod and staff comfort me...which means he is guiding and protecting me. Goodness will come, and i know that i will live with him for all eternity. and for that, dear God, i thank you.

today is the saboth day. the day of rest. God knew what he was doing when he intended a day of rest for us. when he designed a day of rest for us. he didn't say, "go to a church building, sit in a pew, pretend you want to be there, try to stay awake during the sermon, greet one another after the service that you've sat in on for a thousand times before, go home, eat lunch, and there! you kept the saboth holy." ok, i know that sounded quite fecicious, but i am tired. the job i have allows me to sit down maybe forty minutes out of the whole day, maybe. it's an exhausting job at times. my legs ache, my back is in pain, i get headaches, my throat gets dry and scratchy, i deal with the stress of working in a high volume store. not to mention the emotional exhaustion. pretending to be friendly and chipper all day long, like starbucks is the best place in the world to be! some days it's fine, but by the end of the week, i am spent. tired. exhausted. and that's just from my "day job." we're not even talking life. that's just what wears me out in terms of what i do to earn a measely penny.
my heart is tired. my soul is weary. my mind is wrestless. i want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, WHY? my heart. oh my heart. i don't think it can take much more. not that i should complain, i know there is a lot of good in my life. a lot. and compared to other people's lives, i am seriously blessed. but, the things that are plauging my heart are death blows to me. is it even possible? is this reality? is this true? how can it be true? i don't want to believe it. i don't want to face it. i want to...i want to be with my dad. i want to be with my family. i want to be there. not here. no, there's nothing i can do for him, for them. i am useless. but at least i would be there. at least i wouldn't be here doing nothing. feeling helpless. feeling terrified without them. at least i would be able to laugh with them, talk with them, love them. this pain and so much more just engulfs me and i feel like the cloud of smog will never lift. too much pressure. too much respobsiblity. too many expectations. it's more then i can bare.
father, you can see that my hands are trembling. you can see that my legs are weak. you can see that my soul, it aches. but YOU will overcome. YOU make me strong in you. YOU make me wise in YOU. YOU WILL OVERCOME.
(some of this from charlie hall)