today is the saboth day. the day of rest. God knew what he was doing when he intended a day of rest for us. when he designed a day of rest for us. he didn't say, "go to a church building, sit in a pew, pretend you want to be there, try to stay awake during the sermon, greet one another after the service that you've sat in on for a thousand times before, go home, eat lunch, and there! you kept the saboth holy." ok, i know that sounded quite fecicious, but i am tired. the job i have allows me to sit down maybe forty minutes out of the whole day, maybe. it's an exhausting job at times. my legs ache, my back is in pain, i get headaches, my throat gets dry and scratchy, i deal with the stress of working in a high volume store. not to mention the emotional exhaustion. pretending to be friendly and chipper all day long, like starbucks is the best place in the world to be! some days it's fine, but by the end of the week, i am spent. tired. exhausted. and that's just from my "day job." we're not even talking life. that's just what wears me out in terms of what i do to earn a measely penny.
my heart is tired. my soul is weary. my mind is wrestless. i want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs, WHY? my heart. oh my heart. i don't think it can take much more. not that i should complain, i know there is a lot of good in my life. a lot. and compared to other people's lives, i am seriously blessed. but, the things that are plauging my heart are death blows to me. is it even possible? is this reality? is this true? how can it be true? i don't want to believe it. i don't want to face it. i want to...i want to be with my dad. i want to be with my family. i want to be there. not here. no, there's nothing i can do for him, for them. i am useless. but at least i would be there. at least i wouldn't be here doing nothing. feeling helpless. feeling terrified without them. at least i would be able to laugh with them, talk with them, love them. this pain and so much more just engulfs me and i feel like the cloud of smog will never lift. too much pressure. too much respobsiblity. too many expectations. it's more then i can bare.
father, you can see that my hands are trembling. you can see that my legs are weak. you can see that my soul, it aches. but YOU will overcome. YOU make me strong in you. YOU make me wise in YOU. YOU WILL OVERCOME.
(some of this from charlie hall)