Why I Do What I Do

yesterday i was running hungry.
last night i was running tired.
this morning i am "it's hard to get out of bed" running sore.

this, this is why i run.

there is a truck load of stuff on my mind. some of it is really deep, some of it is just lingering. for instance, i've been thinking a lot about my Grampy. he has cancer, has no voice (as a result of the previous), and it just breaks my heart when i call him. i keep telling myself i "should" call more often, or i "should" do this or that. well, to be quite honest, it's hard. it's hard to face reality, and really live in the reality of this situation.

i'm also thinking about Holly, my cousin. her death weighs on me, in a sense, and will for the rest of my life. a woman asked me yesterday what the "green ribbon on my apron" was for. i have this answer that flies out of my mouth any time some one asks me that. "my cousin was killed in a car accident, and she was an organ donor. the green ribbon is the national symbol for organ donation." the asker's face is always the same. a bit shocked, a bit embarrassed, a bit awkard, and a lot of "i have no idea what to say right now." i don't mind, for some reason. i guess it's because i want to shout out about holly's life, and even until her death she was giving to other's. her life wasn't about her.

and dear, sweet tricia is waiting for lungs. she can't see her new baby. her own flesh and blood, she is not allowed to see. (check out the amazing 1 month slide show of gwyneth!) i hurt for her. it's pretty strange, actually, because holly's lungs were donated for CF research, and now my childhood best friend is waiting for lungs...

it's for these precious loves in my life that i give blood. i'm terrified every time i go. even down to the finger prick. oh i hate the finger prick. my hands are shaking, even as i type, just thinking about it all. i tried to go last week, and was denied because my iron was too low. it made me feel really bad. i kept apologizing to them, because here i was, willing to give, and was not able to! then i felt guilty, because part of me was relieved that i didn't have to go through with all of that! they told me what to eat, do, etc. to get my iron up and be able to go back to give. i have been faithfully eating my flinstone vitamins with organge juice (still have no idea why the orange juice), actually eating hamburger, and green, leafy vegtables. my goal is to try to go back some time next week.

Jesus tells us to give to the poor and needy. i have seen people in need of blood, people very close to me. and so i give.

it's been good to have this time of reflection, though. it's essential to know why i do what i do.