Minni

ya know, i want to go to bed. i really do. i am craving my sheets and heavy covers. it's about 10-20 below tonight and the warmth of my bed is calling my name. but there's a problem, see. i have an enormous amount of heavy things on my mind. there are some major life issues that i am facing, and part of me is going crazy trying to grasp onto anything stable and certain. another part of me wants to shove it aside (yet again!), crawl into bed, and forget about it (yet again!). i have been doing this a lot lately- shoving it all aside. i am willing to bet that less then a hand full of you (the readers) are aware of any of the things i'm about to dive into.

my week started with a funeral. attending a funeral on a monday is never a good way to begin a week. i've struggled with this since the service, but for fear of saying something hurtful or wrong, i have not written about it. i don't want to make it worse for my friend- who is the person that lost a dear friend of her's. i went to a friend of a friend's funeral because i love my friend. i wanted to show my love for her, support her, be there for her, laugh when she wanted me to laugh, and hand her tissues when she wanted to cry. i guess i was thinking so much about my friend, and hurting over her loss that i didn't think too much about actually sitting through the funeral service. it felt long. my mind flashed back countless times to the funeral of my precious Holly- that was only just a few months ago. that's when the sadness and depression started to kick in. death has a way of tearing mercilessly into one's soul.

on wednesday, i went to visit a friend of mine who is residing in a rehab center. she's 82 years old, and has had three minor heart attacks. minni is her name. she is a german war bride, whose son and daugter-in-law are close friends of my family. minni loves my apple pies. minni thinks i'm pretty. minni thinks i'm sweet- and she tells me. she can hardly see any more. watching her sit in her wheel chair, trying desperately to drink some apple juice out of a cup, but not having the stength to lift the cup to her lips was just horrifying.
her daughter-in-law and i went with minni to physical therapy. minni could barely get up out of her wheel chair- in fact, they had to lift her out. she clung to parallel bars and shuffled her feet ever so slowly. it was sad. sad to see her struggle so much just to take one step with two people helping her. sad to watch her quality of life being stripped from her with every passing second. sad to hear her say, "i asked God to let me die."
i gave minni some flowers and she was over-joyed. she brought them close to her face, and inhaled deeply. she proclaimed to me, "oh! i love flowers! i just love flowers! i used to pick them- all kinds of them. and my mother would say, 'no more flowers' but i could not stop picking!" my heart aches for minni and her family. i want her to get better, and move back home where i can make her apple pies. but, they say there's not much time left.

i guess i can go to bed now. i'll crawl under my covers, pull my little pink abby bear close, and try desperately not to think about all that is plaguing me.